Talking about the following subject in a blog brings me slight anxiety.
It’s not something I like to talk about ever.
So here goes nothing.
December 2006 after Christmas I stepped on the scale at my parents house and freaked out.
The number was way, way to big.
I’ve always stuggled with my weight since before I remember. I’ve always been big.
Really big.
(texas. september. junior year)
I’ve been made fun of for it. To my face and behind my back.
My weight more or less has been my shield, my invisibility cloak.
But that December I remember that it was too much.
So the minute I stepped back on campus for the 2nd semester of my junior year everything changed.
Counting calories like mad, walking not once but twice a day for a few miles at a time. Not always doing it healthy. Becoming obbessed.
Not making it be about the emotions. Just the numbers.
I continued this pretty rigorously through the summer and when I came back for music camp my senior year….
I just wanted to hide.
I didn’t want people to talk to me or tell me that I looked good.
(jry and I. Music Presidents.Senior year)
I didn’t want to see the new me.
You see, this is what I learned the first time around losing a copious amount of weight. When you deal with emotions and inner healing it stays on the inside. No one can tell.
When you lose weight and deal with THOSE emotions they are on the outside.Visible.
You are noticed.
I didn't deal well with it.
The next 5 years my weight was up and down. It had good days and bad days.
Depression. My mom and dad getting sick. All of these things took a major toll on the number on the scale.
And then?
Fast forward to the world race.
And the number on the scale when I left?
The highest number I had EVER seen on the scale.
But I was heading into the adventure of my life. And actually thought if anything my body would stay about the same.
(dayone ecuador)
I was wrong.
I started dropping pounds in each country.
I didn’t really think about it.
I wasn’t exactly in denial. Just didn’t want to deal with it.
Didn’t want to deal with the physical weight or the emotional weight.
I didn’t want to be THAT new along with EVERYTHING else going on in my life.
But my squadmates and teammates kept noticing and commenting.
But no, let’s not.
My world was changing so fast that I couldn’t keep up with everything.
Then one afternoon in Romania after insanity I was sitting with Meredith and Catherine and the topic of weight loss and weight gain came up.
And I made the comment that DEALING with weight loss is just as difficult if not more than actually losing the weight.
I continued the conversation with Cat later. She encouraged me to press into what was going on inside me. The identity issues going on inside me.
I started to a little.
Not fully.
It simmered for awhile. I lost more weight.
Then we lived in a village for a month.
And I ran a few times (as the 112 is going to KILL at the 5k at final debrief.)
And one day I put on jeans and a tshirt that fit.
And I realized I had lost some weight.
Ok, more than some. About 50 or so pounds.
I took a deep breath and let it sink in.
I felt it down to my toes.
I am becoming new.
In more ways then one.
I have a new name.
A new outlook.
A new vision.
A new body.
I’m in no way shape or form done.
I’ve got more pounds to lose.
All of which are still a little scary.
I’m losing a shield.
I’m losing my invisibility cloak.
I am noticeable.
(abby and I super confused it's month 11)
I don’t know how I feel about it.
I just know that I am changing inside and out.
I’m PHYSICALLY losing baggage around my body.
Each pound, each dropped number on my
So I don’t know how this is going to continue. I don’t know how I will feel as the weight continues to come off. I don't know what the emotions will be. Each layer is a new pain, and a new joy.
Just know that this is apart of my story/my process that is extremely hard to deal with. But I’m going to continue to push it out into the light. I’m going to make it apart of the freedom that I am walking into and not the pain that I cling too.
