By the River Piedra I sat down and wept

I realized I have faith for so much in life. 

 

Faith that God will provide.

Faith that God has a plan.

 

But as I sit in this beautiful old church I realize I have no faith for myself.

 

I know that it sounds weird, but when you are in a church this size everything is dwarfed. Yourself, your breath in the air.

 

And the ratio of our size to God. When you sit in a place where God is displayed in such grandeur you realize how small you actually are.

 

This morning as we were leaving to come to Lipova for the day all I wanted in my heart was some peace. I sat in the conference room for a moment and took a few breaths. 

 

Nothing.

Then as we were leaving I slipped on the wet stairs.

Instant bad mood.

 

I’ve been sort of grumpy all day. Not really wanting to shop, to explore.

But then I came back here.

 

There is a battered book in the boxes and boxes I have at my parents house.

I read it for the first time the summer before my senior year in high school (over 10 years ago).

 

The book is Paulo Coehlo’s “By the River Piedra I sat down and wept”. It’s a story of a young woman’s faith journey in Catholic mysticism. The young woman’s name is Pilar and she tells parts of the story reflectively while sitting at a monastery. In the back of the monastery is the river Piedra.

 

Though she is confused and about the events in her life she finds peace at the river and reassurance in what she has seen and learned.

 

I feel as if this place, this moment is my river Piedra. Reflecting on the journey I have had while a montage of images clutter my brain.

 

So I sit alone in this grand place where my pen is making to much noise for it’s own good. I have come to terms with the face that I feel as if I have lost some faith for myself. 

 

 

I don’t really know completely what that means. It just resonates inside of me.

 

Something in life has chipped away at me like the weather has chipped at this old building.

 

Something has chipped away and weathered my joy.

I don’t know what to do with that.

 

All I know is sitting in the church and now sitting outside here at the 7th Spring I feel the rumbling of peace in the calm of the breeze just like I felt in it the church.

 

There is something fighting inside of my. Fighting to find faith that I need to have peace.

 

There is something fighting to find the balance.

I don’t really know where I am completely with God. 

I just know is the past 3 months something inside me has shifted and I long for MORE.

 

I process as I write so now I am realizing that the feeling is less needing faith and more of a longing to gain  it. And the fact that in my heart I desire it SO much I feel like I am already missing what I don’t yet have.

 

I wish I could continue to paint a picture with my words about the beautiful place and what is stirred in my soul. I wish I could find a way to articulate how I felt when I first walked in the door.

 

Or the fact that is felt like my Grandma was right beside me.

But I don’t feel I can do either of those things justice right now. 

 

I don’t really know where to go from here but I know that in all of this turmoil and uncertainty that God is bringing my to peace and a new kind of faith in so many ways.