But in the last 36 hours my world has been sufficiently rocked.
And in writing this blog I am attempting to figure out what is actually going on in my head.
This month God has been teaching me a hefty handful of different things. One of the main things being I don’t have to hold everything together. I don’t need to do everything.
I am more than the amazing things that I do for others.
I don’t really know how to take that.
When you spend most of your life with the thought that your identity is in what you do for others and not just who you are it takes a toll on you when you realize what you do isn’t who you are.
I do for my friends, my co-workers. I do for the families I work. Now, I do for my teammates- my squadmates.
And of course- I do for my family.
When my mom was sick I helped out a lot. And it was hard. I’m glad I was able to do so though.
I like to fix things. Or attempt to fix them.
That isn’t a great way to live or so I’ve learned.
The past few days I’ve been helping with a smattering of random people from N Squad at an orginization called “Helping Hands”. We’ve been folding and sorting through pallets and pallets of clothing. Put it this way: In the 3 days we were there we sorted through about 16 pallets. And we were going about 6-7 hours each day. That’s a lot of clothes.
But the fun surprise at this ministry was that there was WiFi which on the WR is gold. We took turns going online and doing different things.
And Saturday I wasn’t going to go to ministry because it all honesty I felt awful. Super tired, bad cold, exhausted. But I really felt God just telling me to power through. Last day of ministry for the month.
So after lunch we kept sorting and folding and laughing. And I went to check my phone and noticed that my brother Corey had called me, facebooked me a couple times.
My stomach dropped a bit.
I was able to face time him and the minute I saw him walking out of my grandma’s house I knew something was wrong.
He let me know that my grandma had passed away in the night.
My mom’s mom. My closest grandparent. My LAST grandparent.
Gone.
It wasn’t something unexpected. When I said goodbye to her in January we both knew that I was saying goodbye.
I know my Grandma is in heaven. Not in pain.
None of this has made the past 36 hours any easier.
I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I feel out of control. Lost. A mess.
There is nothing, not a thing that I can DO to help. Not a task, not a phone call. I can’t help anyone. I can’t hug my mom. I can’t help plan the funeral.
I can’t GO to the funeral
I’m powerless.
I just have to sit in the pain and the heartache and deal.
I don’t now how to do that.
I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. All of my grandparents, cousins, uncles, close friends. I’ve dealt with loss.
But dealing with loss thousands of miles from home with no way to communicate is a whole different feeling.
And it’s weird because I can almost see that God is using this moment; this situation for something so good in me.
But right now in the murk of it I really don’t know. I don’t where to go from here right now.
I know that Jesus is with me.
I know he will walk with me. I know that during worship tonight he was probably picking me up because I could not stand.
I know He is still moving in me and changing me.
[my favorite picture of my grandma- taken about 4 years ago or so on Christmas]
I know that he will continue the work he started here in Trujillo Peru. [And fun surprise he will actually continue it still in Peru. I am one of three teams staying here- in Lima- for the month! More on that Later]
And I know this moment- this hard time is apart of my story and apart of what God is teaching me.
Thank you all for the love prayers and support during this time. Please keep my family in your hearts.
Love you all.
Megs.
