Training camp does not have a theme, training camp does not have a topic sentence. Training camp is a mishmash of moments, thoughts, and the only way to describe it all is in a creepy Beloved type Toni Morrison style stream of consciousness with no periods, no sentence structure.
But if I had to take one moment, one thought, one remembrance of Training Camp it's this:
I grew new legs.
Now you are probably saying what?
But really.
My legs have been cut off so much that it's kind of ridiculous. My legs have been taken out from under me and I have been unable to walk. And I've always thought that my legs, the things that the enemy tries to take out from under me is my identity.
But I realized this week that the place the enemy grabs me at is in my throat. He tries to shut me up and stifle my voice.
My voice was literally taken away from me when I was little. After a routine tonsillectomy I had to re-learn in a way how to speak because of the gap left in the back of my throat after the surgery.So much airflow goes through my nose/throat that there is a nasal quality to my voice. [also makes it super difficult to blow up my sleeping pad hence when you see me doing it I plug my nose] I have constantly been made fun of for this.
I honestly just didn't like to talk a lot.
[vv little meg vv]
Ironicaly I was in theater, choir, leadership.
But I didn't think I had a voice.
I came into training camp really excited in a way to not have to have one for a moment. I wanted to sit back and relax and really decided who I was going to be.
But God had other plans.
Over the first couple days some powerful words were spoken over me. I didn't really believe them. I didn't want to step out [as much as it seemed I did. It was a battle the whole way]
And then we got to a night where we went camping as a squad and were armed with supplies. Frozen chicken, veggies, etc.
And something in me clicked and just said "go". So I did. I had the MOST fun I've had cooking in a long time with a group of people who just let me do something I love.
[thanks lovely Melissa Milroy for the photo!!]
Now I wish I could say that that was the the end of my story. That I realized I had the confidence to get things done. That I could use my gifts and talents to do some good.
But God wasn't done with me yet.
Now the night of the epic NSquad camping in the swamp/ truly solidifying we were family was Tuesday night. And Wednesday night was something like I've never experienced before.
Holli our amazing Nsquad coordinator gave a talk on hearing God's voice and we took time to listen to God. During that time God reminded me of what He had brought me out of. And that even the giants were terrifying, even though there were things I didn't think I could do that He had still brought me to this place. He had still brought us to this place.
And then we had some sweet time of prayer over each other. Each of the people who prayed words over me blessed me greatly. Heather reminded me that God made me who I am for a reason. And then in a time of prayer where we circled up and prayed for one another without knowing who was in front of us: Thomas reminded me to not to be afraid and step out. And when Molly prayed over me saw the image of a lion rawring on the inside
And once again I wish that I could say I took those words straight to the bank; to the vault and locked them in my heart.
I thought I did.
The next morning after a BEAUTIFUL night sleep in my tent we had our last team building rotation. And as my name was announced on a team I was overcome with some of the most dreadful anxiety I have faced in a long time. And there was something inside of me telling me to not speak up. To fall back in to a corner.
NO!
2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
And when it was all said and done. I wasn't going to say anything about my fear. I was just going to process in my head what had happened in the 25 minutes prior.
When all honesty all I wanted to do was call my therapist.
So I stood up and went to talk to Daniel one of our trainers.
And I was so grateful I did. Because I realized something.
I have a powerful voice.
And because of that it is the first thing the enemy is going to try to take away. He's going to try to take away my opinions, my life experience, he is going to constantly tell me to shut up.
And the words that my squad mates, the leadership spoke over me were in truth and love. And I need to hold on to them and use them to walk in power. I need to use my voice to speak life into others and into myself.
And I am going to challenge myself in the next year and beyond to use that voice that God so delightful crafted for me, in love, in light and for His glory.
until next time,
remain in HIS love
Megs
