Here I sit.
Barefooted in the unmanicured green grass, a few feet away from the rippling water stretched out in front of me.
Looking out at the lake as the sun's reflection glistens across the surface.
There's no one in sight and I catch myself singing out loud as the lyrics "be still my heart and know that You are God alone…" are playing on my iTunes.
The breeze is brushing against my skin as my hair gracefully moves freely around my face, as if the Lord Himself is caressing me in each gentle gust.
It's beautifully silent. Just me, my Father and the vastness of this water.
This feeling, this sight, is one I know all too well.
See for people who know me, know this lake is my place – my happy place if you will. It's the place I spend the most time at and try to visit several times a week.
I always know I can come sit in my same patch of
grass or my favorite little picnic table and spend time with my Father. Chatting about life, pacing and praying, quietly writing or just laying in the softness of the grass and stepping away from life for a bit. This lake has always been a place I can depend on- it's seen me through Saturday morning devotions, sunrise meetings, first dates, horrible breakups, depression, divine appointments, deep chats with friends and life's big decisions. Through old seasons ending and new seasons beginning, it was here that I made it through the transitions.
A little over a year ago, I sat here in the same spot and made my decision to obey the Lord's call and go on the race. Twelve months ago, I sat here again in the same spot, crying and scared and regretting my decision to say "yes" to the race. I wrote pages and pages about my fear, my deep desire to not say goodbye and leave this place for the unknown. And now, here I sit again a year later, thinking back with joy on the last 11 months He had for me.
I guess you could say that's one big bonus for living in the same city all 23 years of my life. The consistency of having a place like this, a safe haven. A place to always come back to and know that even though I've changed, it hasn't.
But to be honest, when I came back a month ago to this same city, a changed person – it was hard. And still is hard. To be a new person with new dreams, new passions, new perspectives and new ideas in the same environment. To be driving down the same streets I did when I was in high school and be going to all the same restaurants when I was in college – but be different. It's difficult. For people to still see me through the same filters they've always had and expect me to act the same as before – it can certainly be a challenge sometimes.
I've stepped back into my normal life and find myself wondering "did the last year of my life really happen? Or was it all a dream? Did I really see the extreme poverty in the Philippines, the lost people in Malaysia and the spiritual warfare in Romania?" But here I am in this same city that holds all my past memories – it feels like I never left.
But maybe you have to have consistency to be able to evidently see growth. Maybe this lake is my measuring stick because coming back to this same spot, I can see the changes in myself. How even though everything around me is the same year after year, I'm different. And it's not the place or the race that has changed me – those were just His carriers for the change. He has been the One to slowly align my heart to His, to give me new eyes to see myself, the world and this lake. I'm just glad that He's given me this beautiful stretch of green grass, glistening water and blue sky to call home.
P.S. I would just like to add that isn't it crazy that most of the visions the Lord gave me on the race had to do somehow with water – whether it be a lake or the ocean?! And when there wasn't water, I was barefooted in green grass?! He's knows our hearts and exactly what love language will speak to us the most! I see and feel Him the most in nature – and He translated that over into my visions. He's definitely a God of detail, uniqueness and intimacy!
