Before I begin, I just want say that I realize that my last blog post was entitled “Beyond Excited” and was written just 4 short days ago. However, I would just like to knowledge that this whole Pre-World Race period produces mood swings and emotional changes every five minutes! (especially for this girl!) Emotional meltdowns just happen but the good news is the Lord doesn’t allow you to stay there too long! Ok, now you can enjoy:)
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There I was alone and driving home after saying one tearful goodbye to my best friend. Officially leaving the house I had spent the last year in with all of its memories as well as one of the roommates who made those memories so special. The realization of what just happened hit like a ton of bricks and there I was, sobbing away at the red light. I knew my goodbyes were going to be rough, but I didn’t know they would be this hard. That it would be this hurtful to say bye to loved ones, to walk away from this blessed community, knowing I’m going to miss out on this next year of their lives.
So at 11:00 at night, in the solitude of my car, I let myself feel every ounce of emotion as tears flooded my eyes. I wept and I wept…and then I wept some more. But in the middle of my grieving, I literally cried out to my Father in utter desperation. Desperation that I haven’t felt before, desperation where you have no control and are fully at the mercy of someone else.
But let me tell you, the Lord heard EVERY single one of my cries and whispered His gentle truths over me as He combated each fear and worry. I could distinctly hear the Spirit’s voice in between all of my broken sentences, speaking life and peace back into me.
“Father, I need You. Do you even see me? Your daughter is hurting. These goodbyes are shattering me. My heart, it’s hurting.”
I see you Beloved and I’m here walking in this with you. I’m feeling your pain and I’m crying your tears.
“I’ve only lived in High Point. This is too big for me, too big of a leap. I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this.”
You can do anything through Me with My strength. Stop relying on yourself and fall on Me. I want you to seek dependency from your Daddy.
“What if people forget me? What if I’m replaced?”
Entrust Me with their care. They are Mine before they are yours.
“I need to see You Father. I need to know You are here. I need to feel You somehow.”
Open your hands in surrender so I can pull only you into My arms, not the things you are gripping onto. Hold onto nothing so I can solely hold onto you. Feel my warmth. Feel my peace. Know how proud I am of you.
And at that moment, the Lord brought a song to my lips and before my mind could understand my words, I began singing…
“You are good, You are good when there’s nothing good in me. You are love, You are love, on display for all to see. You are light, You are light, when the darkness closes in. You are God, You are God, of all else I’m letting go.
I’m running to Your arms, I’m running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign.”
I was singing the words before I even realized what song was actually coming out of my mouth. With each line, my voice was getting louder and louder as chills covered my entire body. Then before I knew it, I was joyfully shouting at the top of my lungs…
“My heart will sing, no other name, JESUS, JESUS.”
Tears were still streaming down my face but this time, they were tears of power and of comfort. Of joy and of seer amazement. That the Spirit had met me right in my car, had heard my cries, and allowed me to see Him as He placed those lyrics on my tongue. He didn't get upset with me or condemn me for being sad. For hurting in that moment. No, He simply reminded me of His goodness, of the comfort and peace that only His arms offer. And that the desire of my heart is to only sing His praises back to Him. It was a little sneak peak into these next few months, when I'm down on my knees, struggling with hurt and heartache but knowing, the Lord will be there. In the quietness, in the darkness, in the middle of my cries, His Spirit will meet me there. And will continue to speak truths, peace and power into me.
I challenge you readers that you come before Lord real, open and exposed. That you share with Him your heartaches, your pains and your struggles. This is what doing life with someone looks like and I challenge you to invite Him in. But I also ask that you sit and listen for His voice, listen for the sweet truths that He wants to lavish over you. It's still going to be painful and it might still hurt but know that the Lord is walking in it with you. He's there, beside you, walking in the hardship, feeling your hurt and crying your tears. Fall on Him, press into Him. He wants your heart to sing His name. He wants you to run into Him. Will you let Him in?
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This is my very last day in High Point for 11 months…CRAY CRAY!! Please oh please subscribe for email alerts if you haven't already so you can be updated on my posts while I'm out on the field. Also, I'm still in need to raise over $4,000 before I am fully funded so I ask that you prayerfully consider partnering with me! I can't believe that tomorrow I will be reunited with my squad in Atlanta and Tuesday, I will be flying out to the Philippines! LET'S DO THIS THING!
LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AND COULD NOT BE MORE BLESSED WITH A BETTER SUPPORT SYSTEM! Ya'll are truly wonderful and precious gifts from the Lord:)
