I thought the Race was going to “fix” me. I read blogs and heard stories about Racers who grew SO much. And I notice a theme in my own blogs about growth, wondering if/when/how it’ll happen. And then there’s the blog where I surrender my desire to grow in order to develop a deeper relationship with my creator. The realization that self-growth can become an idol and that He should probably be the one setting the pace, not me. And THEN it dawned on me that maybe I’m not a “fixer-upper.” Sure, I have rough spots that need softening. But the solidity of my emotional and spiritual state reflects that I am, in fact, exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I know this because we’re entering our fifth month and I have not really suffered any extreme emotional or spiritual highs&lows. At first I thought I was numb, but I pay pretty close attention to my emotional state and numbness didn’t fit. When people around me experienced ups and downs, I thought something was wrong with me. But I have felt spiritually fulfilled pretty much every day since the Race has started (and even before, obviously). I’ve been even-keeled, emotionally.
I did a ton of self-work prior to the Race; I think I’m reaping what I’ve sown. Maybe I’ve grown into a little bit of steadfastness.
Sure, I have hard moments. Don’t mistake this as me claiming to have an easy Race. But in so many ways, the Lord created me for this. The funky food, sketchy sleep spaces, barebones bathrooms, super-big spiders, and traumatizing travel days don’t often get me down. But really, I just ate marinated frog skewers and feel great. Stomach of steel, praise God!
I do want to see the world change and the poverty-stricken state of these developing nations does break my heart. I do miss home and I do wake up wondering why I’m here sometimes.
I insist on staying present and don’t get stuck with carrying a burden that isn’t mine. I trust that the Lord has brought me here to show me or teach me something. But the people we meet are His kids, not mine. I’m only with them for a few weeks; He’s known them so much longer. I’ll do my best to serve them, but I can’t take on the weight of their needs entirely. God’s a better provider than me, anyway. And in case you were curious, I haven’t encountered a place or ministry where my heart wants to stay… yet.
I refuse to dwell on how much I miss home because surely I’m selectively remembering the good parts (For the record, sharing bed space with rats is not preferable and I do miss my bed). I was restless and ready to embrace the challenges of the Race before leaving Sacramento. This is where I’m supposed to be and the Lord faithfully provides reminders of that whenever I ask Him to.
This is my long-winded way of letting you know that I’m doing really well. Not everyone’s Race is about getting turned upside out and inside down. It is a really great space for healing, but it’s also just a really fun way to experience the Lord pulling some killer moves. Such a show-off, that guy.
In other news, I’m part of a new team due to regularly scheduled team changes. Team Poaday is comprised of seven lovely young women who are currently living in a small, unpronounceable town about 90 minutes away from Siem Reap, Cambodia. Their blogs are posted on the left side of my blog for your reading pleasure or financial support. Ministry is a variety of things this month, including kids stuff and community outreach. If you’d like to know what the word ‘poaday’ means, you can surely ask 
.
