This month was hard. I can’t yet see the fruit from it. I know good will come but right now I’m just weary, hurting, and looking for hope.
About two weeks ago I reached a soul crisis. I didn’t know if I wanted Jesus anymore. I didn’t know if He was worth it.
I’ve been ruminating on what affect ovarian cysts could have on my life since I was diagnosed in February. This is something that could spell infertility, untold pain, or possible permanent injury or death in the case of a rupture. All of this has been simmering on the back burner for 3 months.
That day two weeks ago I woke up in pain and in a really bad mind space. I was crying out, “God, what does this mean? How will this play out? What are you asking of me?”
I was quiet for a moment, then brutally honest. “Are you asking me to forever give up my dream of motherhood?” I was almost afraid to ask mostly because I didn’t know how He would answer.
He answered with a question of His own. “Would you still say yes to Me is I asked you to submit that dream? Will you still run after Me if that is what I’m asking of you?”
I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to think about it or examine my heart. I just wanted an answer. He wouldn’t play my game so I thought.
NO! was the honest answer I had to give Him. “Today I can’t say yes to this. I might be able to in the future but not today.”
What does that mean? What else am I not saying yes to? Can I live this life without full committment and surrender? Is Jesus worth the hurt, the lost dreams, and the unknown?
I wasn’t sure if Jesus was worth the possible sacrifices He could ask me to make. This wasn’t even anything I’m remotely sure that He will ask me. I just wanted to be either all in or have nothing at all. I wanted complete surrender. I wasn’t ok not being sure of my loyalties and faithfulness.
I spent that whole day in confused, sometimes angry, sometimes weeping prayer. I didn’t want to go to evangelize that day. How could I tell someone about Jesus and the hope He has if I wasn’t sure it was worth the sacrifice? I went anyway and prayed. I didn’t talk to anyone, even my team, except for absolutely neccessary responses.
I didn’t have any definitive answers at the end of the day. I also had found peace living in the unknown. I had found fope in the midst of pain.
Jesus is faithful. Always.
I still don’t have the answers to all those questions. I’m still in the midst of the struggle. I’m content sitting in the messy unknown though. I’m not sure how I will react if He ever asks such a thing of me; I hope and pray in faithfulness.
Right now I’m resting in His faithfulness and love and trusting that He will walk me through this and any other trials that will come. I’m relying on my previous knowledge of my Redeemer to continue to follow Him even when it hurts and I’m not sure of the reward. The hope of my future is secure in His past.
