“Excuse me, ma’am.”
I cringe and take a breath. Jesus, please don’t make me say no again today.
I turn around and see 2 men from different countries, ethnicities, and languages standing beside the gate to the clothing tent. “Yes?”
“My friend needs help,” one man says as he points to the other.
First, I hope you really are friends because that would mean the groups are mixing and not fighting! Second, please, don’t ask for shoes. There are none left.
“What do you need?” I ask.
“He needs chels,” he says and points down toward his friend’s feet.
I inwardly cringe but pray I am wrong. I’ve never heard the word chels before. Please, God, let me be wrong. Don’t let him mean shoes.
“Pants?” I ask.
“No. Chels,” he says and gestures insistently at his friend. “He took a shower and they got all wet. He can’t use them now.”
Hoping I ask, “Socks?”
“No. Like mine,” he says and touches his tennis shoes.
Jesus, no! I can’t deny anyone else. I don’t have that in me.
“Shoes. OK. What size?” Please, don’t say it. Please!
“42.”
Jesus, why? “OK. I don’t know what we have. I’ll go look for you.” (I knew exactly what we had and we didn’t have any 42 shoes.)
“41, 42, 43. It’s ok,” he says as I turn toward the gate.
I smile and go into the tent praying. Jesus, I need miracle shoes. I know that bucket was empty 5 minutes ago when I left but I also know you are a loving and all-powerful God. I know the facts but You are bigger than the facts. Jesus, I don’t want to say no again today. Show up in a way that I can’t begin to explain.
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I’m not sure exactly what I expected to happen. I know that I was disappointed when the bucket was still empty when I got into the tent.
I wanted God to be the provider of shoes. He was the provider of strength and comfort.
I wanted a crazy big miracle that screamed Jesus. He gave love and grace in the small moments that left the fragrance of His name.
I didn’t get what I wanted but I got what I needed.
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This story is from my last day at Moria on Saturday. On Sunday I left Lesvos and on Monday I left Greece. I’m sitting in Skopje, Macedonia, and finally able to really think about that last day.
I was in charge of the team filling the clothing orders for the refugees. We rocked it out that day and filled somewhere around 100 orders.
During that success I had to say no about 1000 times in an 8 hour shift. I had to say no to other volunteers, refugees, and even the Greek police. I had to say no to myself.
I had to say no so many times. I just wanted to say yes about as often as I said no. That wasn’t the case.
(If you read my previous blog, this will sound familiar. I am writing about a different aspect of saying no and what I’m learning from it.)
I have discovered in the past few days that saying no wasn’t the hardest part. The hardest part was being able to truthfully say I understand.
There was a time in my youth when my family didn’t have money for things like new clothes. We didn’t have money for used clothes either. I wore shoes that were duct taped together for months. I had only 2 pair of jeans. One pair of jeans had holes in them, not because it was trendy but because the fabric was wearing out. I know what it means to not have.
I know. I understand.
I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t fulfill their needs no matter how much I wanted to. I still can’t.
That day was so hard because I truly understand how something as simple as a pair of good shoes can drastically change your life. I understood and couldn’t do a thing.
Well, I could and did. I acted with love and grace. When I said, “I’m sorry,” I actually meant it. I left behind the fragrance of the name of God.
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Jesus didn’t send me miracle shoes. He gave me Himself.
I couldn’t fulfill physical needs. Jesus allowed me to see, hear, and love others.
I felt useless. Jesus used me to show others who He is.
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I walked back out of the clothing tent. Jesus, You have to do this. I have nothing left in order to say no to this man.
They see me coming. I see their hopes dashed as they realize I don’t have anything in my hands.
“I don’t have any 42 shoes.”
“41? 43?” asks the man.
“No. I don’t have any 43 shoes. I only have sandals in 41 just like you have on.”
The friend translates all of this. Neither man knows what to do with this information.
“I’m sorry. Try again tomorrow.”
“Are more coming tomorrow?” the friend asks hopefully.
“I don’t know. Just keep asking.”
Both men thank me and walk away. I stand there brokenhearted for a moment then walk back to the clothing tent. Jesus, take care of them. Provide for their needs. Grow their friendship. Help me say no with grace and love every other time. Help them hear my heart and not just the denial. Continue to be in the midst of this mess. Thank you that I was here. Thank you that that I was able to meet all these people and leave them with Your love.
