I have shared this story with only 4 people. Each one reacted in a different way but with God’s love. I am so thankful for that. But now God has called me to share it with the world. I pray that you see this for what it is: a story of redemption and God’s glory.
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I’ve heard Joshua 1:9 most of my life. Well, I thought I had. I seemed to have always heard the edited version, “Be strong and courageous.” There is more to that verse. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” That is SO much better.
A few weeks ago I couldn’t remember the verse number and looked up strong & courageous in an online concordance. The first thing I saw was a verse in Deuteronomy. What?
“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”
— Deuteronomy 31:6
YES!!! In Moses’ last counsel, he is calling Israel to focus on their unfailing, faithful God and not the enemies they were about to battle to take the Promised Land.
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That’s all well and good, but it didn’t really connect with me until a few minutes ago. Here’s why.
I used to believe that God would fail me. He would forsake me. He wouldn’t be with me wherever I went. I trembled, was dismayed, and gave in to fear.
I’ve been a Christian for 20 years, but for most of that time I was addicted to masturbation and sexual fantasies. Jesus has freed me, but I still struggle. Let me tell you why.
(DISCLAIMER: I am telling my story as I remember it. I am showing you how I felt and thought. I am not addressing anybody’s actions or attitudes toward me. I understand that many times what I felt and thought was in no way related to how other people were acting toward me. I was stuck in fear mode; it didn’t make much sense. :/ )
For most of my life I lived in fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness, and that I was unlovable. My actions were dictated by that fear.
I see now that my life was based on lies. I was listening to the world and it seemed like the church only talked about happy stuff. Nobody was teaching me how to deal with doubts, fears, and lies. Some were even teaching that there was nothing wrong with how I felt or what I was doing about it. It sounded good. It tickled my ears. I really wanted to believe it was true, so I did.
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I remember the first time. I remember where I was, who was there, how I felt, and what I was thinking. I remember almost everything about that day. This is weird for me. My memory works more in moments and generalities. Huge swaths of time are boiled down to a handful of memories. Some things are completely gone. I know I lived them; people have told me. I don’t remember it at all. But that day, that one day, I remember.
I also remember the day I finally gave it to Jesus. The day I said, “You are enough, Lord,” and meant it. The day that I didn’t give in to the shame, doubt, and fear. God told me to tell my friend my whole story: good, bad, and ugly. I remember how afraid I was that everything would change for the worse. Obviously, she was going to hate me, want nothing to do with me, and tell the pastor so I would never be able to work in the church again. Then I told her my story and she didn’t hate me. Not only did she not hate me, she wanted to pray with me and help keep me accountable. I don’t know if she ever told the pastor, but if she did in was in love.
I realized that day that shame was not of God. GOD IS LOVE! I don’t think I had ever understood that. I had read, heard, and recited 1 Corinthians 13 but I didn’t get it.
I had been a leader in my youth group. I had been on multiple mission trips. I had served in my local church. I had memorized scripture. I had been a religion major, though it killed me. (That’s a whole other post.) I had translated entire books of the Bible. I had moved overseas to teach MKs. I had started an application to IMB. But I didn’t understand true Jesus love until that sweet friend took my sin as a call to prayer and accountability. She wasn’t and isn’t perfect. She is a sinful, redeemed member of the body. That day she showed me what it means to serve a God of love and to be overflowing with His love.
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So what has happened since that day? And for those like me, what’s up with the title?
I still have doubts, worries, and fears. I still struggle with the idea that I am worthless or unlovable. I still sometimes am overcome with loneliness. But God (This has become one of my favorite phrases.) has freed me. He has spoken truth into my life. He has shown me His love. I can’t give in to the lies when I have experienced freedom, truth, and love.
As to the title, like I have mentioned before, I’m a dyed-in-the-wool lover of books. As such I read almost anything I can get my hands on. Since that day of freedom, I realized I needed to be extremely careful with what I read. I’ve been seeking out godly authors since then.
I came across an author of Christian children’s fiction a few years ago. Her books were fun, easy to read, and meaningful. In one of her series the main character has a mother with several sayings. The one she tells her children as they leave the house is, “Be brave and do your best”. Oh, how that resonated with me. It is a reminder that God calls us to a courageous and holy life.
“Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
— 1 Peter 1:13-16
I have loved reading the Galleries of Stone series and seeing this powerful truth embedded deep in the story. The series isn’t overtly Christian but the author’s worldview bleeds through every word. I drew so many parallels to scripture as I read but this was the most powerful. I hope to never forget that God calls us to live a courageous and holy life.
Right now I am being courageous in my obedience to the calling to share my story with the world. I am fearful that this will somehow irreparably damage my reputation and my reflection of Christ, but I trust in the hope of Jesus and will follow where He leads.
I am also learning holiness. I am choosing to be more concerned with obeying my Savior than the whole world finding out that I lived in habitual sin. I have been set apart unto the Lord and I am clinging to Him with all I am. He will fight my battles if I get out of the way. I’m lying down in submission so that He can have victory.
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Earlier this evening I read a blog from a squad mate that shook me up. She told her story with great vulnerability. It was all about how she had been redeemed from the darkness. I saw God’s glory all over it. Then I heard God’s voice tell me to do the same. Tell the world my biggest secret. Let everyone see His glory through my story of continuing redemption.
So here I am. I’m a sinner, the chief of sinners like Paul, who has been redeemed by the blood of the most precious and holy Lamb. I still don’t understand it, but I am now and will always be the beloved bride of the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Creator God. My Bridegroom chose me, called me, and is sanctifying me. I pray He has done, is doing, or will do the same with you.
Be brave & do your best!
