Today I had a 5 hour nap. I was completely dead to the world. All afternoon I wasted my time and it was so so good.
Back story time:
I don’t plan details. I don’t make schedules. I don’t even make checklists. Unless something is really important and/or involves other people all of my preparation is general and stored in my brain. I don’t even write lesson plans unless a grade or pay is on the line. I think things through, outline which things I need to cover, and let the details fall where they may. This is generally how I do life.
The past few days I have been scheduling. I didn’t even realize it until this morning. I thought about it after my ‘coma’ and figured out a few things. I was scared. I was sad. I was stressed. I wasn’t willing to deal with any of that.
Today was the first day of school and I didn’t teach. For the past 5 years, this was a day of excitement and relief. After weeks & months of prep, I would finally get my kids. Today that didn’t happen. I got no kids. To make matters worse I had agreed to go to school today to help today get off to a good start. So I was at school with all the kids who should have been mine but weren’t. It wasn’t easy to say the least.
I hadn’t been willing to process any of this recently. Since I was hiding from the truth I didn’t realize how hard it was. I had found joy in teaching. I got to plant seeds into my students’ lives. I was in a place that I knew God had called me to. Teaching was hard but so rewarding. I’m not thinking of the smiles, hugs, and bright faces. I’m not thinking of seeing understanding of a concept happen in front of my eyes. I’m not thinking of joining my students in the joy of a good story. I’m thinking of all the times a student explained subject material as it related to the Bible. I’m thinking of precious little ones filled with compassion for orphans, widows, the poor, and the needy. I’m thinking of the growth I have seen in young lives as they learn more about Jesus and His purpose for them. That is the great, joyful reward of planting God seeds through teaching.
I guess I realized subconsciously that I was going to be missing all of that. I am transitioning into a new season. I am following where God is leading but I don’t currently like it. I am missing the blessing of teaching because my focus was on the lack and not the abundance that I always have.
So what does a crazy long nap have to do with any of this? Let me tell you.
The past 2 nights I haven’t been able to sleep until at least 2 am. I was exhausted and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to release my hold on teaching to God. I was afraid of what He would do. I was grieving this loss. I was worried about the future. I was robbing God of His glory in all of this.
This morning I spent 2.5 hours at school organizing supplies, updating computers, and basically being a runner. I got to love on the teachers by being extra hands and helping take care of the stuff so they could take care of the students. Through this process God reminded me of something He has been showing me the past few weeks: He is sovereign.
This afternoon I had to give up all control over my time, my desires, and my expectations. My body had nothing left to give. I needed sleep. That didn’t fit in my schedule (which I had figured out in a fit of stress). I had to give up all control, not that I really had any. I had to submit to the sovereignty of God. I had to be reminded that He’s got this and He doesn’t need my help. If I took a nap the world wouldn’t fall apart.
So I took a nap. I woke up 3 times and chose to go back to sleep. (I am pretty sure I will still sleep tonight.) I chose to let God take care of the world and rest in Him. I chose to believe the truth that He has been showing me. The Mighty Creator of the universe is the same as the Holy Spirit living in me. The Loving Redeemer of humanity is the same as my Abba. The Hope of the world is the same as my Bridegroom.
I finished reading Job on my journey through the Bible about a week ago. In the final chapters I discovered this truth anew. I came face to face with the Creator in my own heart. He is majestic, mighty, wise, and gentle. He tames the waters of nature and the seas of my heart.
Think about this with me. The God who placed the boundaries of the sea and designed the water cycle is the SAME God who comforts, strengthens, and disciplines me. That is powerful. How mighty does that comfort seem now?
When I first realized this I was floored. Somehow in my head I had compartmentalized God. There was a box for the Creator, a box for the Redeemer, a box for the Holy Spirit’s guidance, a box for the Returning King, etc. All of the manifestations of who God is had never congealed into the ONE TRUE GOD. Now they have. It’s powerful to come to this realization. It’s also hard to live this way. It’s easier to put God is all the neat boxes but it’s not true.
We are taking a video break now. It relates, I promise. I’ll tell you how after you watch it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU0f8a3Cizo
Wow! I wish I was that tuned in to God all the time. How many times have I wanted just to hear Him say, “It’s okay. I’m right here. I love you.” and I missed because my eyes weren’t open?
In Job I discovered another thing. God is speaking His love to us and over us all the time with His provision, direction, and faithfulness. He also shows us His love in showing us who He is.
(This is my lion. 🙂 His name is Elijah and he definitely has an appetite. One of his lairs is on this specific blanket on my bed.)
God is provider. God is wise. God is good. God is sovereign. All of these are traits of who God is. All of these show the love He has for us.
So through a nap, a crazy transition time, and the story of Job I have found truth.
Job 38-39 speaks of One who satisfies lions, commands the sea, created space and time, controls the mechanics of dawn, keeps storehouses of snow and hail, reigns in storms, named and set into motion every heavenly body, designed the water cycle, rules the clouds, feeds the birds, orchestrates the delivery of new life, protects in battle, and grants the freedom to fly. THIS. This is my God. This is my Abba. This is my Bridegroom.
Is He yours, too?
