So my whole life I have dealt with self-image issues. As a little child, I remember comments others would say when they thought I wasn't listening. Ranging from mild to extreme comments that can scar deep. My size has been one of my biggest insecurities, which many of my other insecurities have built on. It was extremely hard to have confidence in my looks when it was a constant thing that was brought up from family members, friends, classmates, or even strangers. It never went away.
Being on the race, I've started to deal with my low self-esteem. Trying to see what are lies and what is the truth about my looks. In Malaysia, I had a pretty intense talk with one of the squad leaders about how I have been treated in the past and the words that have been harshly pushed upon me. She told me it was okay to be mad and hurt by those words and actions that have shaped my perspective of myself. Also that God was sad about the way I have been treated and that it breaks his heart that I have been forced to see myself so negatively. She prayed that God would take away the words that I've been told I am. As she prayed, I heard the words ugly, fat, and worthless leave. I heard God say, "Those are gone, you are not those things! You are beautiful!"
After that day I saw myself in a completely different light. There were many times I would look in the mirror and truly not know who I was looking at. One time I saw a reflection in a mirror of someone, I started looking around me to find out who it was. I even spoke out loud, "Who is that in the…" when I realized it was me. God totally changed my perspective.
Satan is so angry that God has changed my perspective and is desperately trying to take it back. Being in a different country people are not shy about telling others that they are fat. Each month I have random people on the street telling me I'm fat, which locals tell me is not a rude thing, but I disagree.
Recently I have begun to be the happiest with my body. I have lost some weight and am more toned. My team and other people on the squad tell me often how good I look. I awkwardly ignore, their comments not knowing how to respond because I rarely get complimented about my looks, until somebody on my team reminds me to say thank you. Even after that, I still wonder if they are speaking the truth or just saying something nice.
Today as we were getting into a tuk tuk, a random police officer was talking to one of the guys on the squad and they started commenting on us girls. In my head I told myself, "Megan prepare yourself, because he will probably say something about your weight." He commented about how beautiful the other girls are, then looked at me and said your sister is very fat. At this point I looked at him, gave him a brief smile and turned away to hide my almost tearful eyes.
The thoughts going on in my head were full of the lies I have been told over and over again. I let satan take control and began to believe those lies all over again. How is it that I can let one comment from a complete stranger who doesn't know me from Adam ruin all the progress I have made? Why do I believe 1 lien over the lists of truths I have been told? How can I let a random stranger bring me to tears?
As I write this, I'm sick and tired of letting Satan bring me to tears about a stupid subject. Yes, Im not a size two and that is exactly how God intend me to look. Why do I bash God's creation? He made me for a purpose. I look the way I do for some crazy reason and God knows that reason. Yes, I could be healthier and I'm working on that but it is ridiculous of me to pine over and be bitter about not being a size two when that is never going to happen. I need to be happy that I have a functioning body that allows me to do what I want because some people don't have that advantage.
Next time someone comments on my weight in a negative light, I am just going to take it as a sign that God is using me in big ways and Satan wants to ruin those plans. I will believe the truth that is told to me again and again over that one lie.
