I like to think of myself as a person who loves comfort. I love the cute little farmhouse I call home, with our smelly but adorable farm animals. I love how when I drive to my house, I see cornfields for miles and miles. I love my bed, my dog, and air conditioning. I love food I am not allergic to, and I most definitely love the safe little small town church that I am blessed to call home.
Now, I want you to picture all of that stripped away. Picture Megan Spain, sleeping in a tent, eating crickets for breakfast, sweating in places I did not know was possible, taking a shower with a bucket, walking miles, and getting eaten alive by bugs… Funny, right? Well that was me at training camp. I was uncomfortable, vulnerable, and afraid.
When I arrived at training camp, I got registered and then I was told that I will be taken to our campsite. I walked down the hill to our campsite and I see my squad mates setting up tents and waiting for the rest of our squad. I get to the bottom and I am getting hugged…a lot (for those of you who do not know, I am not a big hugger). Later that night I walk into the first session, and see people jumping up and down, dancing and yelling. For a girl that comes from a small town church that worships in a completely different way… I was uncomfortable, vulnerable, and a little afraid.
I always viewed vulnerability as a bad thing, as a thing that when you are vulnerable that’s when hurt and brokenness happens. I always told myself I would never put myself in a situation to be vulnerable again, because the risk of being hurt was too high. I told myself it was not alright to cry in front of people, that I had to be strong, keep it together and just carry on. I thought vulnerability was weakness. As the first couple days of training camp happened, I sucked it up and I would not allow myself to show that I was uncomfortable, I thought if I showed that, then I would not have what it takes to be on the race. The thing is Satan kept feeding me these lies and I believed them. I went on believing things were great and that training camp was cool, I was cool, everything was cool. Then Saturday happened.
Saturday morning at training camp started out like a normal day. I was in a great mood and ready to bond with my squad. We were all hanging out and waiting to do one-on-one debriefs when my squad mentor said he needed to speak with me. He pulled me aside and had told me my sister called the emergency line and my grandpa had passed away. My heart broke into a million pieces. The thing is, I still did not think it was valid or okay for me to be vulnerable and cry in front of people. I tried to suck up my sadness as best I could to wait and grieve away from people. That night during service, we were asked to lift our hands to God and just ask Him what we need from Him. That night, I let it all out. I sobbed (yes, in front of people), I told God I needed comfort, and guys guess what I got? Comfort and an overwhelming amount of peace.
The amazing thing about the race is the community of people you are with. I knew these people for 3 days and they were praying over me, hugging me, and comforting me. I was vulnerable, uncomfortable, and afraid, but I was okay. Over the next days of training camp my squad was checking in on me, loving on me, and just being exactly what I needed. Something changed in me though, I was okay with not having it all together, I was okay with being vulnerable. I was okay with being broken.
I learned something at training camp. I learned that in those vulnerable, uncomfortable, scary, and broken moments that God is still there, and He is using those moments to shape us and mold us, he is using them for something beautiful. Those moments of being uncomfortable and vulnerable are those beautiful moments where God uses it to help us grow, to help us rely on Him and put all our trust and faith in Him, and to be able to rely on and trust others. It was in that moment, where my World Race October 2016, Route 4 squad turned into my community and my family. It is in that moment of vulnerability, where God won.
