Father,
Mentally I’m in a bad place of questioning. Usually questioning is a good thing but mine is currently driven by my doubt. My high preference and need for security is only fueling this doubt, as you know God I’ve been here many times in the past. This is nothing new, lead me out once again.
My question is should I finish this?
I’m told you are allowed to stay on the race up to the amount you have raised. I believe if my calculations are correct I’d make it through China with $12,105 out of the $14,800 raised. I have multiple logical scenarios in my head right now that say after China that if I’m not fully funded I would be okay with going home.
I’d be okay with going home. WHAT?!?! Why? Why am I thinking this God? This is ridiculous.
Have I really not let go of my idol of security. Why is this still a problem for me? Is this yet another lesson/opportunity to trust you or would it truly be logical to return to America when my support account runs out. Father I need discernment in this.
My need for security and the head you gave me and my own sinful self says going home early would be alright because:
· This would allow me to find a desired/needed new grad position. The possibility of finding one in July becomes harder and harder because by then those positions are usually filled. (but God I haven’t really asked you about that either if I need to go that route or really what route would be best so Father I need discernment in that as well).
· I have no desire to return to Indiana so to return early would allow me to have enough money saved so that I could move to whatever job you provide for me on my return. (This I feel like you have made very plain way back in Uganda about not returning to the things you called me out of).
· Returning home would allow me to find a job and continue paying off my college loans. That dreadful ball and chain that plays into every decision I make.
Just writing this makes me feel silly so I’m stopping with those. I know full well that all of those things could be delayed and I’d be thoroughly frustrated at myself if I did nothing at home while I could be doing this. That I would be frustrated at myself for not finishing what you called me into and I would be frustrated in the end with not trusting. Still sometimes that thought of going home is kinda nice…missionary business is hard God. But you know that.
One of our contacts shared with us this morning from 2 Chronicles reminding me to praise and thank you Father. So when I think back over the last 5 months.
You (God) have provided $12,105 by a vast majority of people, which humbled me over and over again. Never have I ever thought that would happen and you did it. You loved me through being a bad steward of all the gifting and opportunities I had to apply those gifts and celebrated with me when I succeeded. You provided safe travel in not so safe environments like African and Filipino traffic. You worked even through my bad attitudes, my lack of drive, my hoarding prideful spirit, and my judging thoughts. You are bigger than all my mess and you chose to work through me regardless. I can’t imagine why. I went around Africa preaching with sometimes no idea what to say and You showed up and taught even me. For every language barrier I’ve encountered – it didn’t matter, you drew children that needed your love and affection poured out over them. And I gave a lot of it by just being… by showing up. You turned shy, hidden, abandoned and hurt boys and girls into joyful, welcoming, sometimes disruptive, beautiful children (it’s a gift of the best and worst kind). You gave me a deep love for them. You let me be a part of people’s lives that I never dreamed possible, sometimes begrudgingly apart of and other times unknowingly apart of.
God you are crazy awesome. I know the past 5 countries I haven’t done justice in proclaiming that into dark places. I haven’t but I want to do better. There have been small moments of reckless abandon where logic in what I’m doing just doesn’t make sense but I know it’s of you and in those moments you’ve allowed me the awesome privilege of being your hands and feet. So God, thank you. Thank you for the warm weather. Thank you for providing fellow missionaries that we met along the way that have fed us waffles and pancakes and how you have used people to encourage and strengthen us. I in no way have this missionary thing down and needed everyone we have met along the way as examples. I have needed so much of your grace and have received it at every turn. Thank you for using each and every one of us in different ways and allowing us to influence those around us by the lessons we learn almost every day. Thank you for what you have done and promise to do.
Somewhere early on in Africa we started joking about being crazy and it’s just kinda stuck. “Crazy” became my name, the name of our driver, some of the children, fellow teammate. I started calling myself crazy (for some reason it helps with the children). But it’s not a joke anymore. I want to be crazy in love with you. I want to be crazy passionate for those that don’t know your name. I want to be crazy in love with your people (my brothers and sisters) and be crazy trusting you. God, there are many people on my team and squad that need the remaining finances to come in by February 1s t (now less than a month away) and so I’m trusting you in your wisdom of who needs to stay and who will go and where I fit in to that.
Father send in support for my team: Rachael Rittman, Ruth Blum, Laura Williams, Emily Butterfields, Kelly Jarvis, for Myself and for everyone else on my squad.
For however long God we have left on this race, use us. Wherever we are, let us be all there.
I love you Papa.
This might be the worst way of going about a support blog, but it's all I have in me. If anything please pray.
