As a team, we took some time writing down our passions and life dreams. I ended up coming up with this:
God,
What are my dreams God? And what are your dreams for me? I don?t know what I?m passionate about anymore and I?m at a loss for what you want me to do with my life. I?m sitting here on a balcony in Vietnam, but I feel empty. Lost. Who would have thought that coming on the race would lead me to feeling like this? Where?s the adventure that leads to passion? Why hasn?t the trip fixed me? How long am I going to feel like I?m living a life in a self-help book? I?m running myself in circles trying to fix myself and make myself believe I?m passionate about things that I?m not. I live in guilt because I can?t get it right. But I crave so much more than that. I crave life, love, joy. I want to be driven by passion, a God given passion. I want to love life but I feel like it has been sucked from beneath me. I don?t know why I thought this trip would magically solve all of my problems because it has been anything but easy. It?s been freaking hard and most of the time I?m convincing myself to keep pushing. Convincing myself that perseverance is worth it. That I didn?t to this in vain. That I am learning and I am changing. I?m not always filled with passion. I?m mostly making a sorry attempt to fight for it. And I don?t know what you want from me God. I don?t know how to give you all of me, but I want you to have me. And I don?t know why I believe in you most of the time. But I do believe you are the only thing that can truly fill me and give me the life I could only dream of. I thirst for you. My soul needs you. You have to do something? only break me if you?re going to put my pieces back together.
<3
Expectations.
I expected this trip to fix me.
I expected to be joyful all the time.
I expected to be doing and seeing crazy things all the time.
I expected to be filled with a crazy passion instantly.
But, the funny thing about expectations is they usually fail. And the reality is usually much different, in my case much harder. And although I hate feeling crappy, God is revealing Himself to me everyday and that I am thankful for. Knowing God has a plan bigger and greater than me makes the fighting worth it. I?m learning to fight for my faith, that it is not wrapped up in a pretty little box with a bow on top, and that is okay. I?m allowed to not be okay. Because not being okay usually means God is doing something in my heart. God knows what He is doing, so I am okay with not always knowing. I will continue to fight, even when things aren?t okay.
Megan
