Yesterday was a rough day. I don’t really know why, it just was. I woke up in a bad mood- just aggravated at the world. I tried to fight it- I spent time with Jesus in prayer and in the Word- praying for joy and strength to fight…yet still frustrated and aggravated for no apparent reason. All day this continued.
Last night we went to a village literally out in the “boonies,” the “sticks,” or whatever your word is- we were there. We rode several minutes away from the little town we are staying in on the back of motorbikes, passing the huge open fields, the trees, the cows, and the vast area of green and emptiness until we reached a little village with small houses and a covered hut area. I was so distracted while there. It’s like I was there, but I wasn’t there and I couldn’t make it any better.
The motorbike ride on the way there wasn’t enjoyable to me at all. I had my full and heavy backpack on my back and felt like I was going to fall off backwards the whole time. When we arrived, all of my teammates were talking about how beautiful the ride was and how much they enjoyed it- I didn’t at all because I was too worried about falling off with the weight on my back.
On the way home, my teammate Eric switched backpacks with me, giving me his- which was much lighter and smaller- and taking my heavy one.
When we started to go, I was still a little scared- with a death grip on the back of the bike holding on. It was now dark at that point, which added even another element. I was closely watching every turn the driver made– making sure to see every hole in the road and every bump- so that we didn’t crash and if we did I would be ready. I glanced up one time and noticed the huge fields on both sides of me…FILLED WITH FIREFLIES! They were flashing on and off and there were so many of them. It was like the Lord’s Christmas lights. 🙂 Incredibly beautiful. Just breathtaking.
The Father grabbed my attention, my heart, and said- [Trust me, Megan. Give up this “control” you think you have, this “control” that you have a death grip on. Lift up your eyes. When you are not trusting me- your eyes on the road, watching every hole, rock, and bump- you MISS what I’ve placed around you. You don’t see it. Let go of this “control” you think you have, look up, and see! Trust me. See the beauty around you. See how I am so beautifully pursuing your heart and how deeply I love you. Look up- trust me- and see.]
Tears streamed down my face. I don’t feel like I’ve been struggling with trusting Him or walking in doubt or mistrust. Then I searched my heart down deep. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life when I get back home from this Race. That scares the mess out of me. I enjoy control. I enjoy having plans and structure. The past seven months of my life I have been told exactly where I will be, where I will be living, what I will be doing, what my living conditions are, the community I will be surrounded by, and what my purpose for being there is. To think in just a few short months I have to have this all figured out on my own scares me to death. There are desires of my heart that I want. There are desires the Father has placed on my heart to do. But trying to figure it all out is like being in a maze with so many options of ways to go.
The future and even day to day takes trust. So much trust. To live fully devoted, fully committed, fully abandoned for our Jesus each day- day to day it takes trust, friend. And trust is hard- especially when you enjoy having some bit of control. But control tends to steal. It almost stole from me last night…until I looked up.
When weight is off my back / I am more able, but must / let go of control / trust / and see // see how I am so pursued and so loved- to see the beauty around me that the Father has placed there / to let go, look up, and TRUST.
As I was journalling and praying through all of this this morning, the prayer in my journal was this:
{Abba, help me to TRUST You with the bumps- with the holes- and with the uncertainty of not knowing where I’m going- of not knowing what’s going to happen next. Help me to trust You- as You’re the “driver of this motorbike”- to trust that we aren’t going to crash and that You’re not going to let me fall off. Help me to trust that You’ve got me! Help me to trust where we are going- that You have a plan and we aren’t aimlessly driving, but You know where we are going and the perfect timing of arriving there too. Help me to LET GO of the allusion of control I hold so tightly // trusting You // and seeing all You’re doing around me – this beauty, power, pursuit, and deep deep love.}
Trust is hard. It’s hard when thinking on the big scale of things like the future. It’s also hard even day to day- as we hit the holes and get a little jerked by the rocks and bumps we don’t always expect. But when we are fixated on the path, death gripping the seat, watching every turn and every bump and hole- we miss what the Father has put around us. We miss what He’s surrounded us with, pursuing our hearts, drawing us to Him, opportunities He’s given us to share the truth and love that He is, and to see how greatly and deeply He loves you and me.
Trust is hard, but looking up is always worth it. Let’s look up and see the fireflies, friends! 🙂
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30
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