I’m not even sure how or what to write. I don’t want pitty or anyone to try to make me feel better. I am in a place where I can’t even get my thoughts together…I can’t talk to anyone because I feel like no one understands. I have so many ‘why’s’ for God and I get so angry at Him. I hold it all in and then it eventually explodes because I can’t take it anymore. I get so frustrated because I DID give it ALL to Him durring traning- and now new things are coming up and I can’t seem to let them go, and at the same time I’m holding on to old ones. Why was it so easy to surrender when I was surrounded by people I trusted, and now that it’s just me and God I don’t have the integrity to do the same thing? Was it all a show? I don’t think it was, but why can’t I do it now that it’s just me and Him? Sometimes I wake up and I think ‘is this for real? Am I doing this for the Kingdom that sometimes I can’t even have faith enough to know that it’s even there? Who am I really doing this for?’ Why do I get so mad when all God is trying to do is teach me and stretch me? Why is it that we have to put on this face and pretend everything is OK just because we love Jesus-when inside we feel like crap? Why do people think that I have nothing that I’m struggling with or angry about just because I am a ‘Christian’? I am dying inside and no one knows. Why is it that God says here is this amazing person and you are going to invest so much into them and be really close and grow spirtualy together-and then I’m going to take them from you with a snap of my finger just at the time you need them the most? Maybe He wants me to feel for Him the way I feel for people on earth. Why do people say they are going to pray for you and they really dont-why am I that person? What’s the point in investing so much of yourself into people when God is just going to take them from you? Why do I feel that it’s not ok to be mad at God sometimes? When I’m fine just where I am He comes in and changes everything around and makes me uncomfortable all over again. Why is it that my sister has to go through so much crap just to find her trust in the Lord(which she is still struggling with) and then it seemed so easy for me when I was 12 years old to give my life to Him with no questions asked? Why am I set apart-why don’t I want to be? I wake up, go to work, eat, talk to a few people along the way and sleep-then get up and do it all again day after day-sometimes not even aknowledging that the Lord is even there. I want to run away from my thoughts. Lord take them captive. Take ME captive.
I’m sorry if this is too raw and real for you-but if we can’t be vulnerable and open with eachother-then who can we be vulnerable with? This is who I am and these are the things in my head (from Satan I know), and this is my way of dealing with it. Take from it what you will…I love you all. Thank you for letting me be a real person.
