I titled this blog “Love and Selflessness” because those are the lessons that I have been learning here in Honduras, and I couldn’t think of a more creative title.
My whole life, I have had this idea of what selflessness and love were. I honestly thought that both were pretty easy to achieve. I was surrounded by people who I liked, who liked me back, who appreciated me and whose needs were fairly easy to meet. I am not discounting the love I have felt and shown towards people…but in the past, loving people has been fairly easy for me, and being selfless has not usually required dying to myself.
So far, this month in Honduras has been good and fruitful, but challenging. We are working in a children’s home with 10 kids (4 babies). This past week, the staff was on break for Holy Week, so the six of us have been cooking, cleaning and caring for the babies.
The moment that I learned the true heart behind selflessness was at 3:30 am this past thursday night. I was on night shift, and after working a 14 hour day, I had not yet slept (many of you parents may resonate with this.) One of the kiddos that I most connect with is a 6 year old boy named Yosimar, who has special needs as a result from neglect and abandonment in his childhood. On this particular night, Yosi decided that he didn’t really need to sleep, and spent from 8 o’clock at night to 3:30 in the morning singing.
When I say that he was singing, I really mean that he was happy-screaming. Which doesn’t always sound happy, and actually caused me a lot of anxiety.
There was a moment when I got up, and stood over his bed. I had tears of frustration in my eyes from being exhausted, and not being able to sleep. But I looked down and his little face and saw so much joy. In that moment, honestly, it wasn’t easy to love Yosi. Quite frankly, I just wanted him to shut up so that I could sleep. But I looked at him and asked God for a patient and selfless heart, sat down, and rubbed his back and played him Michael Buble until he finally fell asleep.
This month, so far, has been made up of countless moments where we have had to made the choice to die to ourselves. When I’m tired, and there are poopy diapers, and babies don’t stop crying, its a conscious decision to be present and loving and eat up every little moment I have with them. When, after a long day, the older kids want to jump on the trampoline, I have to choose to tap into my emergency energy reserves. I am tired and definitely out of my comfort zone. But choosing love is so worth it. At the end of the day, that is what I came on the race to do. We all had our goals in mind, and I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to love hard when loving was the hardest. And you know what? I will this country a changed person. I know a lot more about baby care and actually love love the little ones now.But furthermore, I will leave knowing how to choose love, and knowing how beautiful of a choice it is.
And to be completely honest, the moments that I have decided to go beyond my selfish first instinct of “I really REALLY don’t feel like doing this right now”….those have ended up being some of my favorite moments of the race so far. It’s a tough fight, but it is so, so worth it.
