We sat on the shores of the Pacific along the sand scattered with broken pieces of seashells. The scene was enchanting. We separated, a few feet between each member of my team (sans Lauren…sorry girl), and we watched as the sun crept lower and lower, longing to kiss the horizon. My thoughts turned to a place where they often do these days, a place of daydreams and future hopes.
I dreamed of coming back to that exact spot, a few years down the road. I imagined walking hand in hand with my husband and watching the sunset turn the sky a million shades of pink and blue, somewhat resembling cotton candy. The silhouette of the city in the background, as stars in the form of windows and street lights slowly appeared. Dipping our toes in the ocean water. He would drape his jacket over my shoulders as the night began to bite a little with its chill. And we would dance along the edge of those ocean waters, feeling as though we were the only two in the world at that moment.
I’ve said this before, but if you can’t tell, I live in my head a lot. I truly believe the daydream I submerged myself in that evening could 100% happen, but in that perfect moment someone interrupted my thoughts. The Lord swept into my daydream and gave me a reality check as I sat in the sand, listening to the waves crash down. He spoke these words to me:
“Stop looking at marriage and a husband as an entitlement. You continue to look for “someone better” in relationships and fear you will do that in marriage because you refuse to be content with Me. I am the only steady promise of this life of yours. I want to teach you to be in love and happy with Me as your Love before I bless you with an earthly love.”
Whoa! It was harsh and lovely all at the same time, but most of all it was true! I often am not content with God. It’s hard for me to see him as my Groom. I look for love and affirmation in men, and I have several failed relationships to prove it. But the Lord continues to pursue me, sweetly, tenderly, waiting for me to get it. He loves me. No wonder my relationships in the past haven’t worked out…because I continue to put those guys in place of or above my first Love.
As the sun disappeared with promises that it would return again tomorrow, I promised myself to start new each day. I vowed to put Jesus first as my Groom, with knowledge I would overwhelmingly succeed some days and miserably fail others, but I would try… I am trying.
I’m still going to daydream, but for now the characters may be slightly different. Maybe I’ll be watching those sunsets and stars with God, feeling the warmth of His embrace wrap around me when it starts to get chilly, and dancing with Him on the shores of Japan.
