I live in my head far more than I probably should, dreaming up ideas of the future like living in NYC, hiking the Appalachian Trail, or designing clothing for J. Crew. It’s all fun in games in my head until fears start to creep in. My introverted self thinks…”I’d never make it in NYC…not even for a year!” As for the AT, “You’re way too girly for that! You would die!” And designing, “Ha! Who are you kidding? You barely know how to sew on a button!” You see, I’m not afraid to dream big. I’m afraid of failing in an astronomical way, a way that turns everyone’s head to point at me and laugh, saying, “I knew you couldn’t.”
I’m currently writing this blog from my “Colombian Prison,” as we have grown to call it. Being the first World Race squad to venture into the 3rd most dangerous country in the world, they are VERY cautious with our safety. I can count on one hand how many times I have been outside of the church we are staying in. Staying here in this isolation gives you a lot of time to A. think and B. read. I am currently in the midst of reading Captivating, a book about unveiling true beauty as a woman of God. In this book, there is a whole section on our dreams and the fears associated with them. As I was reading the other day, this passage really stuck out:
“The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well. We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn’t go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very beings, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds, the piercing negative answers to our Question. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received his verdict on our lives—that we are chosen and dearly loved. That he finds us captivating. Then we are free to offer.” –Captivating
I’m starting to realize that the dreams and desires I conjure up in head may not just be fantasies of a made up world. I’m beginning to believe that maybe they are not there by mistake. That the Creator of Universe, my Papa, has placed these wild and crazy ideas on my heart, so that one day when I’m brave enough to fulfill some or all of them, I will turn to Him, smile, and say “Thank You!” And he will turn to me, chuckle, and say “I knew you could.”
So, without further ado, here are some of my wildest dreams, dreams that I believe will one day come true. So I will write them out as a way of loosening the Enemies words of “No, you can’t.” And strengthening my Father’s “Yes, you can. I believe in you.”
– Move to NYC and live there for at least a year.
Something about this city just entices me…Broadway, Central Park, the Fashion, the Culture, the Fresh Markets, the Skyscrapers. I know I wouldn’t be living in a penthouse if I moved there. Heck, I’m sure I would barely be scraping by, but there is something about that that seems so priceless.
– Go to design school (maybe even fashion design).
Not a whole lot of people know this about me, but I have been accepted to design school twice. The first time, I was a senior in high school. Unsure about what I was supposed to do next, I applied to UT’s Architecture & Design program. I made my portfolio the week it was due, and faked the dates because it was suppose to be a compilation of a full years work. A month later I got one of those big envelopes in the mail saying I had been accepted. I visited the school and became insanely overwhelmed. Fear on top of fear began to stick as I sat in on lectures and talked to students about how I should prepare myself to not sleep the next four years of my life. I ended up turning it down; trading in the art classes for science based one’s at UTC. Afterwards, I found out after just how prestigious it was to get accepted in the first place.
My second time was after completing four years at UTC (still with no degree in my arsenal). I had taken some time off from school, a little over a year, and I was ready to go back. Being creative was still something I desired. So on a whim, I applied to O’More College of Design in Franklin, Tennessee, a school with a 33% acceptance rate. Guess what? I got accepted. I was determined to find a way to pay the private school fees. As I brought up the idea of this to my parents, again fears started to creep in… Where would I get the money? I would be up to my ears in debt before I got out! How would I live in one of the most expensive cities in Tennessee, and who would I live with on such short notice? I ended up deferring and moving back to Cookeville to finish my bachelor’s degree.
I think I have realized on the Race (mostly due to encouraging teammates) just how much joy I do get out of creating. I don’t regret the turns my life took due to turning down these two amazing opportunities. I wouldn’t be on the Race had I taken them. But I think I have more of a desire and dream to design now, and maybe in a different way than I originally envisioned.
– Hiking the Appalachian Trail
The AT goes from Maine all the way down to Georgia (or vice versa…depending on where you want to start). It takes approximately 6-8 months to do. You only take a backpack (Hey, much like the World Race! Maybe a few less skirts ha). And yes, I want to do it…the whole thing! Relying on the kindness of complete strangers and the Lord’s strength.
– Road- Tripping across the States
I’ve thought of doing this countless times, just pick a point on the map and go. And then my logical side kicks in…How are you going to pay for gas? What if your car breaks down? Where are you going to stay…you hate Motel 8’s?
Stop overanalyzing, and just go!
– Getting Married
Every girl dreams of their wedding day, whether it’s one simple detail (Shannon Pere) or the entire thing planned out (Whitney Connor). I don’t know when it will happen or who it will be with, but I know there will be a day where I am so completely in love with someone that I settle my wandering heart (just a little) to say “I do.”
– Adopting
I’m more in love with the idea of adopting than I am of actually having children of my own. I know it’s a long process, but there is something so completely beautiful (so much like the Gospel) of taking a child under your wing and saying, “You are not alone. You are loved. And you are mine.”
– Become a Yoga Instructor
I had the amazing opportunity to teach yoga for a few months this year before I left for the Race. I’ve heard you either love being a teacher or you hate it. Fortunately, I loved it! And when I left, I had student after student come up to me saying that they would miss me and my teaching style. I don’t proclaim to be gifted in many areas, but this is one I truly love and I am good at…one that I would like to get better at.
– Write a Book
I am super self-conscious when it comes to my writing, but when it comes down to it…I actually really love to write. If I can sit down with my thoughts long enough, I think I could write a semi-decent book with them.
“You will find that as God restores your heart and sets you free, you will recover long-lost passions, long-forsaken dreams… Those emerging desires are invitations—not to rush and attempt them immediately. That also is naïve. They are invitations to bring your heart to your Lover and ask him to clarify, to deepen, to speak to you about how and when and with whom.” –Captivating
I hope this blog inspires you to dream and to believe in yourself enough to chase after each and every one of those desires.
XOXO,
Meg
