Eyes bounced around the room and chuckled when they noticed my hesitantly raised hand. Lowering it as though I had misunderstood the question, I drilled my gaze into the floor until the speaker continued.
A handful of weeks ago, I sat in my Perspectives class (a 15 week class on cross cultural missions that every Christian should take) when our speaker asked if any of us in the room serve on our church’s global mission team. I raised my hand. A 22-year-old female with a grand total of one mission trip and 8 months of international student ministry to my name. The only other people to raise their hands? Two older gentlemen who could claim more years of cross cultural ministry experience than years I’ve been alive.
As people noticed me half-heartedly owning up to my involvement on our church’s mission team, I was ashamed.
You’ve got to be kidding, McKenzie. You’ve been a Christian for an enormously lengthy 2 and a half years, and you’ve been on one international mission trip. If your knowledge of international ministry could be equated to happiness, you’d be as happy as a slug covered in salt.
You know nothing. You’ve done nothing. Put your hand down.
These words racquetballed around my brain, their cacophony drowning out my confidence and God’s truth.
What is this insecurity? That’s not me.
My parents had raised me into being a confident female, even before I knew my worth in God’s eyes. I can’t tell you the number of times they’ve told me, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” So I did, because when your biggest supporters believe you can do anything, you do too. I got a black belt before I got a driver’s license. I worked on a summer construction crew pouring concrete foundations. I learned to how mig weld, herd sheep for shearing, and operate an excavator. I was determined not to be limited by my age or gender.
To the world that seemed to say said “You can’t,”
I said “Try me.”
Why, after all of these years of self-confidence, was I doubting myself in a room of people I barely knew? All of my other seemingly self-developed abilities held up in critique, but this God-given love and passion for missions crumbled under the weight of a few glances. Why?
Oh. There it is. The other abilities that defied my age and gender were all accomplishments I could have claimed as my own hard work and determination. But my love for international missions was definitely not developed on my own and was totally given by God. So when I had the chance to boast about God’s plan in my life, Satan panicked.
I have some random skills in life, but honestly, so what? Those are things I’ve developed myself and in the end they’ll all go to the grave with me. But my God-given passion for His global church, however, will have an eternal impact.
Satan knows just how powerful this God-given love for international ministry is. He knows that God will use this freely-given, totally unmerited passion for more good and glory than I can imagine, so in that classroom he shamed me into doubt and uncertainty, hoping that I would be dissuaded and unsure of God’s plan.
But you’re the one to be shamed, Satan. And you already have been. Jesus died and came back from the grave, defeating any power you had.
And God is kind enough to reassure me. In 1 John 2:13, it states:
“I write to you, children,
because you know the Father.”
And continues on in verse 14, saying:
“I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God abides in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.”
God reassures me that I know Him, that I have strength in Him, and that He is always with me to have victory over evil.
In that class, I doubted my age, my experience, my relationship status, my knowledge, and my walk with God. Maybe you doubt yourself because you’re young or old, single or married or divorced, laden with children or childless, new to Christianity or decades into your walk with the Lord. But I can guarantee that God has not once looked at you or me and said “You know what? You’re right. I can’t use you. You’re not _____ enough.” No. Our God uses us despite our shortcomings and lack of qualifications, and He delights in doing so.
So, rather than feeling shame and defeat, won’t you join me in raising your hand to the life God’s called you to?
