its been a while now since I posted anything new…I’ll be honest, I haven’t really been sure what to say. Throughout the last couple weeks, I have been weighed down by doubt and second thoughts about this whole world race thing. I had thought I was done with all this back and forth business when I initially made the decision to actually do this…but I guess not. in the pursuit of realness and transparency, I’m going to let you in on my thoughts.
the world race isn’t “me”. As I mentioned in previous posts, you don’t have to know me very well to know that am NOT at all an outdoorsy person nor do I enjoy camping or backpacking in my free time. The World Race isn’t for everyone, right? It’s not like every single Christian has to do this specific trip! I have thought that I should do a trip that is more “me”. (Whatever that means) Like maybe chose ONE place to go and spend an extended amount of time building relationships with people, doing something I would be more comfortable with, maybe with a ministry that I chose and am passionate about. I have wondered and asked myself if I’m trying to prove anything to God or anyone else by doing something so outside of how I naturally am, if I’m trying to be someone that I’m not, if I’m just trying to do what an “all-in” Christian would/should do.
it’s too much money for a missions trip. To say that The World Race is expensive would be a true statement; maybe even an understatement. A big chunk of the total amount is for traveling expenses; a fact that I have simply been questioning whether or not I am okay with. Going to 11 different countries is mad expensive! Why shouldn’t I just go one place? That way it would be dramatically less expensive and I would probably feel more comfortable trying to fundraise. The gear I will need to purchase for the trip is another expense to consider. Sure, I know that one of the main components of this trip is the fact that we will be roughing it; Living with little, like the cultures that we will be visiting. Hence the backpack, tent, sleeping mat…ect.
the rest of my team seems to be super ready to leave like, tomorrow. I’m not. We have this group Facebook page where the whole team that I would be with next year can communicate and get to know each other before the trip. Sounds pretty great, right? Well, in a lot of ways it is, but in a lot of other ways, it’s been a source of insecurity for me personally. As they’re all busy talking about what kinds of shoes they’re bringing and what size backpack they bought, I’m sitting here wondering what the heck I am missing. As I read what they’re all doing for fundraising and how much they have so far, I am at a stand-still wondering how I even begin fundraising efforts. They all seem to be getting to know each other so well and bonding and all of that and I stare at the screen wondering if any of them are having any of the same thoughts or doubts that I am.
I’m having a hard time hearing from The Lord. Life gets so very noisy sometimes. We get so busy filling our schedules with family, friends, work, church, ministry, volunteering, all GOOD stuff right?? I spend a lot of time with people; talking, listening, doing life. This is a great thing, but also difficult at times because I have TONS of different opinions running around in my head at any given moment. At this point, specifically regarding the world race. It’s not at all that people share their opinion against my will, I ask for it! I want input, advice. All of that being said, i’m having a hard time differentiating between what I’ve heard from others, what my own thoughts are, and what’s from The Lord. Easy solution to this, right? Just spend some alone time with The Lord in the Word! Distraction-free. DUH. To be legitimately real, even when I try to do that, I still seem to have a million thoughts running through my head and distracting me from the goal of this “quiet time”. Insane, right? The God of the universe wants to spend time alone with me and I’m complaining about getting distracted by my own craziness. I’m reminded of Hebrews 4:12; “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” And just like that, I’m humbled and reminded of the fact that my thoughts and worries nor the opinions of others can compare to the peace that The Word of God brings.
If you’re still reading this, thank you. Thank you for bearing with me and for (hopefully) not thinking I’m completely insane. Now that I’m sitting here re-reading everything I just wrote, I am reminded of what my intentions and motivations were back when I first decided to do this trip; I desperately wanted to be pushed out of my comfortable Christian zone, to see and experience personally a need for The Lord, a dependency on Him, to spend a season serving and living amongst the least of these, to experience different cultures, different kinds of people that the SAME GOD created and loves, to TELL them that simple truth. Those are STILL the same which is why I AM doing the World Race. I can’t promise that between now and January I won’t have mini, minor breakdowns, but I can promise that I will continue to look to The Lord for peace and guidance.
love you guys,
McKenna
