Since being on this trip, I have had the privilege to meet countless amazing people, a few whose stories I’ve been able to tell. Recently, God put someone on my heart and told me that theirs was a story I needed to tell. It was not someone I met on the street or encountered during ministry, but someone much closer to me: my mom. I was speaking to her about recent hardships she had been going through, and her incredible faith and clear transformation was so apparent that God insisted I share it with you all.
In January, my mom experienced the end of a long, painful battle that was filled with betrayal, tears, and a lot of heartache. This fight left her drained of money, strength, and hope in the Lord. Going into it, she believed wholeheartedly that God would fight for her and bring justice. Unfortunately, the outcome of the situation was the opposite of what she believed she needed, and not only did it deal a huge blow to her morale, it hit her right in her relationship with God.
When she returned home, my sister, Kaylee, was set to leave for a three month mission trip to Thailand and Cambodia, and considering I’m currently in India, this left her completely alone and forced to face head on the turmoil within her. This is what she said of the situation:
“I returned home feeling pretty depressed, but figured I’d try to put on a happy face and see the positive. I tried to trust that God was in control and He would make good of it all. That outlook didn’t last long. Kaylee left and I crashed and burned. I felt so alone. I was incredibly angry at God. He abandoned me. He let me down. He betrayed me. I believed in Him. I believed He would fight for me. I believed that He would protect me. I believed that He would bring me victory. He did none of it. He was silent. He was hidden. I didn’t hear him, I didn’t see Him. I was angry. I truly believed it was going to be the fatal blow to my faith. I wasn’t even sure God existed.”
I remember this part of my mom’s journey very clearly. We were talking on Facebook when she said something that deeply shook me: “I am barely hanging on. Barely hanging on to living and to my faith.” The thought that my mom was in such deep distress and turmoil while I was thousands of miles away was incredibly difficult, but it forced me to rely on God and praying that He would show Himself to her.
Later, I found out that although she was hanging on by a thread, she refused to give up. Even if she didn’t know it at the time, her deeply ingrained faith – a true faith that believes even when God is nowhere to be found and everything seems to be going wrong – kicked in. This is what she said:
“But I refused to give up. I needed Him to exist because I felt like He was all I had… So I persevered. I read my Bible, even when most of what I was reading felt like lies. And it did feel like lies. I would pray, but really all I was doing was yelling at God. I was brutally honest with God and God remained silent. I’m sure He wasn’t too pleased with me. But as I continued to be devoted to my times with God, to reading my Bible, even if I was fraught with despair, I started to see things more clearly. My heart began to soften and God started revealing things to me.”
Because I am currently so far away, while I knew that she was going through a lot, I had no clue what God was doing in her. After around a month, though, what He was doing became evident, and I truly witnessed a complete transformation. I recall receiving a message from her, and her tone was completely different from what I had been hearing for the past month. It was a tone of excitement and hope in the Lord, which was surprising to hear considering the depths of her struggles just days before. This is what the message said:
“Yesterday I went to take a nap. When I woke up all I could hear in my mind and all I wanted to do was praise God. Like in the Psalms. I haven’t been able to stop. It’s like I am writing Psalms myself. It’s like the Holy Spirit took me over in my sleep and all I am to do is sing praise to God. So I have been! It’s been amazing!”
As I read those words, joy and thankfulness washed over me. It was hard for me to believe that the Lord could transform her spirit so radically and so quickly, but truly, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me at all. This was just another example of the Lord’s great power and goodness.
Around a week later, I was able to talk to my mom for an extended period of time over Skype, and it was then that she really detailed what she was feeling. She explained that she still could not hear God’s voice or really feel His presence, and yet still felt a deep desire to serve the Lord and find His true will for her. She had realized that she was finding security in money rather than in the Lord, so she desired to let go of her security in money, move forward in life, search for God’s will, and allow Him to guide her.
As she spoke of this, her incredibly deep faith blew me away. It was evident by the way she was speaking that she didn’t really believe her faith was anything special, but to me, it was remarkable. Not only was she maintaining her faith while completely unable to hear the Lord, but she was willing to drop everything and step into the unknown, trusting that her silent God would take care of her. Her faith was one the Bible speaks of – a true faith that is not in what is seen or felt, but in what cannot be found.
As she was speaking, Romans 4 came to mind. For those not familiar with this part of scripture, it speaks of Abraham being justified by his faith. It speaks of the hardships that Abraham faced that should have weakened his faith, but left it stronger than ever. He was promised to be the father of many nations, and yet was wed to a barren woman. As he and Sarah, his wife, grew old and knew that their bodies were as good as dead, his faith still didn’t weaken (Romans 4:19). He had no clue how God would fulfill His promise, but he nonetheless had faith that He would (Romans 4:21).
As my mom continued to speak, something she said reflected a faith of Abraham’s depth and strength:
“When God is hidden, I seek after Him more. It’s not always for me to understand. I just need to have faith and believe that God’s got this.”
This faith, a faith that is completely blind and perseveres when times seem hopeless, is what I believe to be one of the most incredible and strongest kinds. This is the type of faith that creates in us a strength and intimacy with the Lord that can compare to nothing. This is the kind of faith that moves mountains.
Not only is it a faith that is strong and deep, but it is one of humility. This is the faith where we are in complete darkness, and God is taking our hand and leading us through it, but because we are in the dark, we do not see the progress that is made. It is only when the lights turn on and the hard times are over that we can look around and see that while it felt like three steps were taken, we really moved miles forward. When we can’t see where God is taking us but follow Him anyway, we can only attribute the final destination to Him, not ourselves.
While my mom is still following God through the darkness, He is definitely blessing her faith. While we were talking, she said this:
“God still feels hidden. He is still silent to me. But every now and then I see a little wink. Like when you were 10 days away from being sent home because you weren’t funded and suddenly all the donations came in and you are over funded. I needed to see God and I told Him that. I needed a victory and He gave me one. Like the Parent Vision Trip** being on my birthday in a place that I’ve always dreamed of going. I believe God had a hand in that for me.”
Despite the difficulty of the situation, she has continued on with faith and wisdom in the situation:
“I think God is staying silent and hidden right now because He wants ME to find Him. He wants me to find who He truly is, not the God I’ve made Him into. He’s there, He’s waiting and He is faithful. I believe He will show up when the the time is right. In the meantime, I will keep moving forward being devoted to Him and His word.”
In the darkest times, it can seem impossible to see God. Us humans don’t have night vision, so it can be terrifying when we’re calling out into a deep darkness, and all we hear is our voices echoing back. What we often don’t realize, though, is that God is right beside us, guiding us along. As my mom said, sometimes He wants us to seek and find Him, not the other way around.
This is when we put into action our love for Him, and show that it is a love that is not only present when our lives are beautiful, but that it is one that lasts even through the ugliest of times. That it is a love that is not based on what the Lord gives us, but who He is.
This is when we show what true faith is.
“Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.” ~1 Chronicles 16:11
**The Parent Vision Trip is a trip where parents have the chance to visit the Racers on the field. For my squad, it is in Zambia.
