Many of those who know me have probably, at some point, wondered about the absence of my father. I don’t post pictures with him, I never talk about him(unless we’re having one of those nice, deep conversations where we talk about everything and anything), and I’m never seen with him. The story behind that is long and complicated, but, in this blog post, I’m going to do my best to sum up what happened, and explain how it helped me to see the love of God.
At the end of 2012, my father betrayed my entire family and completely turned my life upside-down. A few long, painful months later – around May of 2013 – he made the decision that I was not worth having a relationship with. Almost three years, a long move to Canada, and an abundance of trust issues later, I still have not had a real conversation with my father, and quite honestly, am not sure if I ever will again.
I will not spend this blog post talking about how angry I am at my father, and I don’t want whoever is reading this to feel anger towards him either. Truthfully, I am not angry with him any longer, which I am very grateful to God for. Quite frankly, this blog isn’t even about my earthly father – it’s about my Heavenly one.
One of the many beautiful things about God is that He is there with you no matter what. All my life, I have heard it said in scripture, sermons, and almost every Christian song out there that God is a father to the fatherless. Before 2012, I could never really understand what that meant. I mean, a father is someone that hugs you when you’re feeling sad; someone that laughs with you while you eat lunch by a lake; someone that reads to you when you’re young to help you fall asleep. While God is incredible and loving, He cannot do the palpable things that many fathers do. Because of that, how could He possibly be the father that so many people are missing?
Well, in 2013, I suddenly found myself without a father, and I was faced with two options: wallow in self-pity and look at the situation as negative, or learn what all those people were talking about and find out what it meant for God to be a father to the fatherless.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” ~Psalm 68:5
While I sorted through the anger and bitterness that I felt towards my father, I noticed something strange. When my father decided not to have a relationship with me, I expected there to be some type of hole within me where the spot of a father should be. I expected some type of emptiness or need for validation. What I didn’t expect – and hopefully this doesn’t make me sound like a horrible person – was to feel like nothing had changed. Sure, I was in a new city that I didn’t particularly like, so that was definitely different from my beautiful life in California, but life continued on as usual, sans the fourth member of our household. As time went on, I kept trying to figure out the reason for this. Was I a terrible person? No, that couldn’t be it. Was I an emotionless pit? I mean, I never really cry, but I’m definitely not emotionless. Then it donned on me: the God that I prayed to nearly every moment of the day had filled the position of my father. I now had a capital “F” Father rather than a flawed, earthly father.
God had – and continues to – give me the strength and wisdom to see that, although what had happened was terrible, He would use it for something great. In addition to that, He allowed me to feel continually comforted and whole. If you have ever lost an extremely important relationship, you know that being blessed with comfort and wholeness is a pretty big deal. Now, don’t think that you need to lose your earthly father in order for God to step in as your Heavenly Father. He is, and will always be, there for you; unfailing, gracious, loving, and merciful. His love can bring you an incredible sense of warmth and relief even in the most treacherous of situations.
Although what I went through was very difficult, and I still have moments of sadness when I wonder things like who will walk me down the aisle or dance with me at my wedding, I feel grateful for what happened to me. If it hadn’t, I would still be in California and would never have met countless incredible people, drawn as close to God as I have today, and quite possibly wouldn’t even be going on the World Race. Despite my loss, I know that God will always be there to (figuratively) wrap His loving arms around me and support me in all that I do.
If you enjoyed this post and would like to hear more, feel free to click the “Subscribe for Updates” button at the top, and simply enter your email address!
*Check out my sister’s latest blog post here: http://kayleekuipers.theworldrace.org/ *
