When I got the call that told me that I had been accepted to participate in the World Race, I was completely shocked. While I had spent the past couple of weeks trusting that God had planned what was best for my future, I had a nagging feeling from the day that I submitted my application that I would not get in. The reason? I did not think that a girl with a severe anxiety disorder would be looked at as a viable option for spending nine months living out of a backpack and traveling the world. Simply put, I believed that I was way too messed up.
It was around 2003 when I first began having trouble with anxiety. It all started with terrible stomach aches and a fear of clouds (a bad experience with a huge storm sparked that delightfully irrational fear), and built up to my first real panic attack, which landed me in the hospital. After seeing a psychologist, I was given a diagnosis of a severe anxiety and panic disorder; a diagnosis that would lead to horrible struggles, an abundance of breakdowns, and most importantly, the close relationship with God that I have today.
This isn’t a story about how God miraculously cured me of my disorder, or how I now lead a wonderful life free of any anxieties or worries. Quite frankly, life would be much easier if this was that kind of story, but let’s be real, when is life ever easy?
In seventh grade, I was hit by the most severe episode of anxiety that I have ever had. I had horrible panic attacks multiple times a day, could not leave the house without having a panic attack, and would completely freak out if my mom wasn’t with me. The result was me missing school and barely leaving the house for months. I was plagued by constant panic attacks that were triggered by the smallest of things, and at one point, even considered ending my life in order to stop the torture that a chemical imbalance in my brain was putting me through.
My family tried everything to relieve me of my anxiety, from regular visits to a therapist(shout out to my super rad therapist, Mary – you were da bomb), to slightly stranger methods like acupuncture. In regards to the acupuncture, I would just like to say that it is not a good idea to stick a bunch of needles into a 12 year old with severe anxiety and then leave her alone in a small room…but I digress. After months of fruitless efforts, I discovered one thing that soothed my anxieties almost as soon as I started having a panic attack: prayer. As I said above, God did not suddenly cure my anxiety disorder, but He did provide a remarkable amount of comfort in the midst of so much chaos.
Over the next couple of months, I stuck to fervently praying for God to relieve me of my anxieties, and slowly but surely, my panic attacks became less intense, and anxieties less frequently plagued my mind. Anxiety was no longer ruling over my life like a cruel dictator, and I realized something that changed the way that I thought and lived: Jesus was truly my saviour. Not just in the “He died on the cross that I may live” kind of way as I had previously thought, but in the fact that He pulled me to the surface when I was trapped at the bottom of the ocean. A panic attack actually feels like being thrashed around beneath the surface of the ocean, so I’m speaking quite literally when I say that. I was in the middle of the darkest part of my life at only 12 years old, and God became my beacon of light. To this day, saying a prayer when I feel a panic attack coming provides me with an incredible amount of relief that never ceases to amaze me.
With all of the anxiety that I have struggled with in the past – and continue to struggle with in the present – it seems that the last thing that I would want to do is go on a trip that will be intense, incredibly difficult, and full of the unknown, which is the most common trigger for my anxiety. How is it that someone with GAD, panic disorder, and social anxiety could possibly partake in such a program? For me, the answer is simple: God. I have complete faith in His strength, and know that even when I am riddled with anxieties, He will be there to comfort me and lift me higher. I have seen that His plans for me are more amazing than anything that I could imagine, and that no matter what I believe my flaws are, He will use them for greatness.
I have heard it said countless times that fear and worry are sin, and that if one truly has faith in God, those two things cannot exist. I’m just going to be blunt and say that that is complete and utter garbage. A strong faith in God is not synonymous with a complete absence of worry. In fact, it shows a greater faith when a person’s mind is filled with fear, yet they continue down the path that they are on by trusting in the Lord and His strength. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the power to press on even when fear consumes you. Examples of this are great leaders in the Bible, who not only experienced an abundance of fear, but also quite possibly dealt with some type of anxiety disorder or depression.
This cannot be said as a fact, but there are many instances in the book of Psalms where David’s writings sound much like a person afflicted with depression. One of the many scriptures where this is evident is Psalm 38:6,8, but a quick Google search will yield many more. If David did suffer from depression, God clearly did not see that as a hindrance to his abilities. From taking down a giant to ruling a nation, David did great things despite any struggles that may have plagued him. This shows that God pays no mind to what could be seen as being “wrong” with us, but instead sees only the incredible things that we are capable of doing.
There are many others in the Bible who show the signs of suffering from mental illness, including Job, Abraham, Jonah, and Elijah, who all suffered from bouts of depression. It is shown that even Jesus himself experienced anxiety in the Garden of Gethsemane, when he asked three times, in reference to being crucified and taking on the weight of our sins, that, if it was His will, God would take the cup from him. Jesus was so afraid in that moment that physician Luke accounts that Jesus sweat drops of blood, which is a rare disorder called Hematohidrosis that can be caused by extreme mental stress. I cannot say that I have ever been so afraid that I sweat blood, so I can’t even imagine the fear that Jesus was feeling. If Jesus, the son of God, who was blameless and free of sin, can feel a fear so great that blood drips down his forehead, I think we are allowed to be afraid sometimes.
David was a man after God’s own heart, and Jesus was the Son of God, so it is safe to say that depression and anxiety cannot stop you from doing incredible things. Whether it is a brief bout of either, or dealing with them for your entire life, God can use these disorders to improve your character, help others, and reveal your strength. Never doubt your abilities, no matter what you’re dealing with, for as it is said in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
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Take a look at my sister’s most recent blog post as well: You Have Called Me Higher
