So I’m terrible at blogging and updating. k?
Life on the race has been nothing short of amazing and I’m so thankful for where I’ve been and what I’ve gained. Even more so I’m thankful for what I’ve lost.
Sometimes losing people, dreams and things hurt so much at first… and they can continue to hurt if you allow them to do so.
My mentors and leaders who have done the race have referred to this journey as a “pressure cooker.” Well they are right, you either burst and find yourself in the same life cycle as before you left or, you learn how to love (others as well as yourself) and take part in community when it happens. The real you comes out eventually. It’s up to YOU to allow yourself to be known and free yourself from guilt and shame.
For anyone who knows me, knows how huge music has impacted my life. <insert song/band here> So I’m sitting here with music on shuffle and these lyrics hit me.
“And now that I’m older,
I’m finding out How,
What it means
To start over”
Before I set foot outside the U.S. last October I would have told you that I wasn’t running from anything. True I wasn’t, BUT what I left out of the picture was this…
I wasn’t running
…
I was lying down
Tired
Tired from running
Tired from chasing
Tired from being chased
The things of old(me) that I sought after where coming from a heart posture of insecurity and pain. I chased relationships, career, money, drunkenness, control… so on and so on.
I look back, I see so much damage done… to me and from me.
“I died for what I believed because I lived life without meaning.” To sum up a decade of no control.
All the years of wearing masks had put me in a place deep in my mind where not even I knew where the door was.
The race has forced me to the surface from the grave I dug for so many years. All glory to God not the race, the race is just a tool or shall I say an opportunity.
I could sit here and write a blog of my past and the pain that had control over me (one day, those stories will be told) but for now I just will begin with this:
No matter how far you go down one path, you can always leave that path and begin a new one.
If you want to hear and watch a story I highly recommend (7 minutes of your time) here is the link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ysyx98pOIc
This dude has become a good friend of mine over the past year and his story is what convinced me to do the race. Because of his vulnerability and the freedom that comes with being known, I too have found meaning in life I am living.
I’m starting over.
Song referenced and inspired by this blog post
Life Cycles – The Word Alive
