IF I’m going to be honest it has to start now. I get lost in myself more often than I will ever admit. Sometimes I’m outright scared of repeating steps. My problem is when I dwell. I want to dwell in God’s presence but always find myself in Matti’s thoughts. Let it be believed beyond our human understanding that his ways are higher than all. When I say believe I mean I want my flesh to receive it as truth beyond my thoughts. Truth is truth and man can believe lies that can leave our thoughts and fill our flesh. We’d rather keep the same demons than fighting new ones. It’s easier that way. New doesn’t allow us to become comfortable. Same demons give birth to coping and copping out against promises established by the Father.
So what keeps me from pressing further?
I know all to well what I don’t want to admit. It’s the things I choose to ignore. I spend my time focused on what I choose to focus on. I can see all the things in my peripherals that need to be handed over and dealt with.
Last week I reached out to my squad (family) of 28 amazing brothers and sisters that are doing this with me. I told them how I was in a dark place after coming home from training, we lived out life together for 11 disgustingly sweaty days. (wouldn’t trade it for the world) That I was beginning to believe that I wouldn’t meet my financial deadline and have to say goodbye as they head out to Honduras come October.
God you told me and 28 other people to Go. Here we are braving something we can’t do on our own. It only works if you set in motion. God you have lead me to believe that this is where you are leading me. You do a really good job of stretching me now so that I can later be stretched much further. But I need you now more than ever to allow me to see something.
We shared a laugh today and just as simple as that, you made all the noise in my head stop. Because, I realized I heard your voice. Your very presence is all I need and here I am asking without abiding.
I can’t live here anymore. Allow me to lose who I am. Help me pull up the anchor and jump out of the boat. Let me lose safety, lose comfortable. Allow grace to blind me. Give me dreams so that I can’t look away. Lead me to deep away from the shallows. Let me sink into you. I don’t want to see the surface as you reveal to me the way to continually renew myself in you.
