It was two years ago today that I started following Jesus. I know that sounds ridiculous seeing as I’ve considered myself a “believer” for roughly nine years now. But that’s just it – until two years ago, I didn’t do much beyond believing in Jesus.
It was in January 2007 that God really started pressing me to ‘follow him’. I quietly ignored his persistence in getting me to follow so closely behind him that his heels kicked me in the face. I just didn’t have it in me. I had reservations. I was scared. I cared too much about what the world would think of me, that my friends and family would brand me as a radical and a lunatic. Most people that I had ever heard of who were genuine followers of Christ were also the freaks of society.
But after a long pursuit God finally snagged me, and on February 13, 2007 I penned these words in my journal:
I’ve been really frustrated lately. I can’t quite put my finger on it, other than I know that I’ve completely and totally had my fill with myself. Seriously. I can’t stand myself or the person that I’ve become. It angers me. I feel like the worlds largest hypocrite. I feel like I’ve succeeded in becoming America’s idea of a Christian.
I’m tired of not following Jesus.
I know people would willingly argue with me and say that I do. Unfortunately, these people don’t know what goes on inside of my heart. These people don’t know the way that I act when they’re not around.
Currently, I’ve been chasing this stupid idea of Jesus that media and culture and even the church at large has pounded into my brain. It’s a Jesus that’s okay with chasing himself. It’s a Jesus that turns the other way when it sees something it doesn’t want to. It’s a Jesus that hangs out with people just like him. It’s a Jesus that wears funny t-shirts. It’s a Jesus that listens to emo music and drives a sweet SUV. It’s a Jesus that’s okay reaching out to only upper-middle class families that have it all together. It’s a Jesus that ignores everything he ever said.
That’s not the Jesus I encountered.That’s not the Jesus that changed my life.That’s not the Jesus that slapped me in the face.That’s not the Jesus I know.But it’s the Jesus I cling to.So I’m writing this to say: I’m done. I’m done running after something so shallow. It stops here. Instead, I want something that’s going to radically change me. Transform me. I want something that I can share with others. I want something that will ruin others’ lives. I want another chance at getting it right, but having the grace to mess it up.
I want to be like Jesus.
I’ve heard a lot of arguments against that statement. Unfortunately, I don’t agree with any of them. “Be like yourself, why would you want to be someone else?” “Be who God made you to be.” I can do that. I will be that. But understand first that I’m going to embrace my role as a disciple. I want to be a disciple. I want to radically embrace Jesus. I want to shower myself in the identity that I now have in him.
I want to be the hands and feet of love that those people don’t ever see when standing on a street corner. I want to be the shoulder that someone can cry on when they’re beaten. I want to be the one that those people can talk to when they’re lonely. I want to be the one that doesn’t think twice, but just acts on the impulse of love. I want to love for Jesus’ sake. I want to share the story of the man that killed me. I want to see others inherit the kingdom. But honestly, I don’t know what I want to be. I want to be whatever this way of living will require…
And since then, my life has never been the same. I was plucked, by the hand of God, out of a church I was working in and thrust onto the streets to serve the homeless. It was there that He let me heart shatter to millions of pieces and I learned what it was to have compassion for the invisible faces of American society.
From there I followed Jesus around the world serving the poorest of the poor in some of the most neglected parts of the globe. It was during this time that I was initiated into a Kingdom, into a Reality that’s much bigger than what I realized. I was empowered and equipped with a voice to speak into my generation, to speak Life into a sleeping yet restless Body of believers, to provoke them to movement to place their feet step-by-step behind that of Christ’s – to become followers, themselves.
And now I’m here – still following. I’m eager to see what this year will bring, this third year of my pursuit of the King of Kings…
