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This is
uncensored. Read forward with your own
discretion and know that I’m not going to make this sound fluffy. I’m not going to try to please you – the
reader. Know that it’s difficult for me
to pour my heart out on the page like this (because it’s often scattered), but
I feel the leading to do so. I must
obey, no matter how hard I have to bleed.
I know I’m trying to raise financial support right now, so writing this
scares me that you’ll not want to sponsor me.
But I’m willing to take this risk in being open. Praise Jesus…
The Lord’s really been doing a number on me in the last 24
hours. My heart has felt convicted, I’ve
felt pain, I’ve felt desire, I’ve felt joy, I’ve felt hope, I’ve felt a
longing, and I’ve felt a grace that’s only been feeding my heart to grow into a
deeper intimacy with the Lord. I’m not
sure how to begin this and I’m not sure how to word what I want to say – I just
know I need to say it, somehow.
I’m really good at saying things, I’m really good at wording
things, and I’m terrific at making myself sound better than I really am… and,
so, I repent. I struggle sometimes with
balancing, with writing about living radically, about ‘doing the stuff’… and
then actually doing it.
Unfortunately since I’ve been home I feel like I’ve embraced
complacency. I’ve clung to the reducing
the Kingdom to a matter of talk and stripping it from the power that drives it –
a removal that the Church is too good at nowadays, and mainly because of people
like myself. We know what to do and we
don’t do it, instead we do what we don’t want to do… sit. We embrace the Pauline illusion of a lie of
sin (Rm. 7.15). We need to get off our
duffs.
Well – I need to get off my
duff.
The problem that a lot of non-Christians have with
Christianity isn’t Christianity. It’s
the Church. It’s the people who claim they’re
followers of Jesus, who say they do this and that but they really don’t. And the problem the Church often has with
itself is the same thing. We reduce
ourselves and our walk to nothing but mere words. We’re full of stories and void of power. It makes us even wonder if this thing is real
or even worth it.
This has been the challenging part of being back in
America. I don’t want to be one of those
Christians. I don’t want to be the
so-called “Christ fanatic” that ends up being a bunch of hot steam. I want my life to really back up what I have
to say (Titus 2.7-8). So when I tell you
to walk up to the first person you see during the day and say, “JESUS LOVES
YOU!”… I want to be able to say I’m doing that too.
I’m done preaching,
done teaching, and done writing about those things that I’m not doing myself.
Being in America it’s so easy to make ourselves appear like
something we’re not because we care so much about image, but eventually we’re
going to be found out. I’m not saying I’m
not a Christian or that I don’t try walking this thing out, but I struggle just
like the rest of you. I don’t always
pray in the Spirit every day. I don’t
always read my Bible. I don’t always
talk to that homeless guy whose begging me for money. I don’t always walk over and comfort the
stranger who’s soaked in tears of depression.
I don’t always smile at the cashier in Target. And I’m typically a horrible tipper.
I’m a saint who has a pretty crippled walk – I limp a lot
and I struggle to learn.
I give myself a lot of grace, but I also give myself a lot
of excuses. For some reason I can no
longer justify sitting behind a computer screen for five or six hours a day
writing, catching up on emails, and reading blogs. I know there’s fruitful ministry that comes
from it, but I’m struggling with all of it at the same time.
There’s a world dying out there on the streets of America
and I feel my heart beating for it.
Grace is pulsating through the streets beaconing my name to get caught
up in its flow, to usher me into a deeper intimacy with the Christ dwelling in
others, the ones screaming out for Truth.
I want to sow Truth to see freedom reaped – and that’s the
stuff I want to preach about, teach about, and write about.
I’m tired of telling you to do things when I can’t seem to
do them myself. For that – I’m truly
sorry. Out of humility and brokenness, I
ask for forgiveness from ALL of you that faithfully read… or have found me out
for my fluff.
What the Lord is putting on my heart is a fresh perspective,
a new beginning, a renewed era of grace.
I’m stepping out, Church. I’m
getting off my butt, stepping outside the four walls of our Church buildings
here in America, and I’m hitting the streets in search for a deeper Truth. Whatever the Lord throws in my path, I’m
going to encounter and stare in the face.
If I have a roof, I’m going to share it. If I have food, I’m going to share it. I’m going to start making some leaps and
bounds despite my crippled state… and I’m going to allow the Lord to infuse
power back into my walk.
Will you join me?
We’re called to do this thing together. Perhaps we can help each other along the
way. I’m willing to give this thing a
shot because I bet it works.
