There are a lot of days that I eat my own words, that what I
write and what I say comes back to haunt me.
I talk about living lives of love, about being Jesus’ hands and feet to
the world around me, basically I paint myself and some others as ‘super-christians’
that purposively proclaim our brokenness in an attempt to make ourselves appear
more holy than what we really are. We
serve the poor, crawl in the ditches, sell what we own, and will go anywhere
and do anything for Jesus.
But I don’t.
I am full of some really good stories and they’re all true –
don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately I
think they’re stories that shed light on a more positive side of my
existence. I want to be honest with all
of you about myself. There are plenty
of days that I don’t give up my coat. I
turn the other direction and run. I
choose disobedience to what God is calling me to do instead of embracing the
love that has wrecked my life – love I shouldn’t resist others.
Long story short: I turned down Jesus. This happened the evening after I posted a
blog calling out lazy Christians. I
subconsciously lived out my fear of becoming what I’m most afraid of.
A friend and I pulled into a parking lot in downtown
Wichita. As we were pulling in I
noticed a homeless guy walking around the parking lot. I told her, “I bet this guy is going to
harass us for money.” I seriously
couldn’t believe the words that came out of my mouth, but they expressed the
true condition of my heart. We parked
and the homeless man walked over to my side of the car and started talking to
me before I even opened the door. I
didn’t feel like loving anybody.
As I stepped out of the car he threw his arms around me and
said, “give me a hug in the name of Jesus!”
I gave him a hug. Honestly
looking back on this I can say it’s the most sincere hug I’ve ever received
from a stranger. I thought he would
grope me and try to feel my pockets for money, but he didn’t. He let go and explained to me that he needed
some money for a place to stay. The
whole time he was explaining his condition, I was trying to figure out what he
was strung out on – it was obviously something.
I told him that I didn’t have cash – a blatant lie. I had $15 in my back pocket and three cents in my front
pocket. I always tell guys when I have
money, I just tell them, “I don’t give out cash.” I’ll buy them what they need.
He pleaded with me for money, to stop by an ATM. My heart grew cold. I thrusted the 3 cents into his hand and
started naming off shelters. I worked
at a homeless shelter and have homeless friends – I knew all the spots in
town. I grew bitter. I got really frustrated with him and sent
him to the Salvation Army. It was only
a few blocks away.
Normally, I would have walked with this guy but I chose not
to. I would have walked around with him
until he found a place but I chose not to.
I truly believe I turned down Jesus.
And why did I not do this?
Honestly – I was tired. I had a
bad day. I didn’t feel like ‘working’
for love. It would’ve taken everything
I had in me. No thank you Jesus.
Then he disappeared into the night air. This guy – maybe an angel – went away
without shelter, without money for food, without Jesus having held his
hand. I just gave him a hug and
resented every minute of it.
I only write this to prove one thing: I’m not who you
probably think I am. I still have a lot
of growing to do. I have a lot of
learning left in life. I’m not a
superhero or an amazing Jesus-lover.
I’m just like you. I’m
broken. I’m fallen. I fail everyday. But it makes me think of this, “no discipline seems pleasant at
the time, but painful. Later on,
however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have
been trained by it.” (Heb. 12.11).
Failure stinks and reeks a horrible odor, but only if we let
it. But so does humility. We choose what we gain from our
mistakes. Mine sucks because, well, I
turned down a man who I haven’t seen since.
The Jesus screaming out of this man for love – I told him to
‘get’. How lame.
