June 19, 2009….The following excerpt was written about 30 minutes after we returned from a morning of doing ministry. It was a raw attempt to process through what had just happened and I wanted to share it…
When I write a blog I try to relay what’s been happening,
what I’ve been processing through, and how God has been working through all of
it. But what happened today I’m not sure
I can fully do any of those things. Today was the first time I got to a place where I felt so utterly
helpless that I couldn’t understand what was physically going on around me,
where I wasn’t sure what I was thinking, where I wasn’t sure how God could work
through anything.
I feel like I should warn you…if you’re looking for a light
read or a blog that has a positive, warm feeling at the end, you may want to
skip this one. I’m not saying there
isn’t hope or that God isn’t working. I’m just saying that I’m still trying to process through everything that
has just happened and I am honestly having trouble seeing the hope and hand of
God in it all.
Today we woke up and found out that we were going to able to
go down to one of the local trash dumps. Our idea was to make a bunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pass
them out to whoever was hungry, and pray for people. Great idea, except that when we got there, no
one was ready for what we encountered….
burning and rotting trash overwhelmed us. The flies, bees, and vultures that lingered everywhere were a constant
reminder that no comfort could be experienced in a place like this. People paused from sifting through trash to
look at who might be entering into their world. As we walked toward them with sandwiches in our hands, with clothes on
that were relatively clean, with shoes on our feet, I felt an overwhelming
sense that I had nothing to offer. I
know what you might be thinking, it was the same thing I was thinking…I can’t
offer anything, but God can. And yes,
that is true. But before you try to give the quick church answer, can you take
a moment and imagine confronting the situation yourself. Don’t try to fix or explain it away, but
instead be fully present and in our position….better yet, in their position. I think you would feel a lot like I
did…helpless.
As we walked around people in our group became
nauseous. We could hardly communicate
with the people and they seemed disinterested. We ended up passing out the sandwiches, praying for a couple people, and
then leaving because we couldn’t stomach it anymore. As we walked I began to weep because I
realized we had the option to run away from this situation. We couldn’t handle it for more than 15
minutes so we left; but what about the people that live there? More than likely they don’t have that
option. They have to make a living and
this is probably the only way they can do it. If I was them and I saw a bunch of foreigners coming to hand out food I
think I would get pretty angry. As we
left the dump, I felt as though it were a walk of shame. As if there were a sign above us saying, “You
don’t belong here because you can’t bring hope to this situation.” I don’t want to believe that, but right now I
am fighting against that voice with everything I am.
I don’t have the answers. I’m not sure I ever will. I know that
God is good, and I’m trying to remind myself of that right now.
