Ever have one of those days where everything just seems to be crashing down on you? Maybe not that extreme, but you are in a mood that you don’t want to be in, but just happens. Or have you ever questioned this “great calling” upon your life and you question who you are and what this is that you are living for? Or am I the only one??
Yesterday was on of those days. Everything just seemed to get me in a bad place. Right from when I woke up in the morning. This year has been about choices, so I of course strived to choose righteous attitudes right off the bat. And I was still low. Maybe I was having one of those things people call “bad days”.
I couldn’t understand it. Let me explain:
I was in the far reaches of Thailand in the mountains. I was traveling with a small group of 3 guys. I love these environments because this is where I come alive. I have the opportunities to evangelize, to share, to play, don’t have people judging me, I can just be me! Plus the contacts we’re with are just part of the team, a first for me this year. They “get it” when it comes to the World Race goals and how we operate. Ray and Candace (our contacts) just plain old love us for who we are. They are Americans so it’s extremely easy to get along. And everyday there is ministry. I love to be busy. So why do I feel so low?
Here’s what I verbally processed:
Do I have unmet expectations of these 2 weeks? Do I have something deep down that I need to figure out how to deal with? Am I feeling bound by the thought of too much freedom? Or am I just plain old not understanding something?
Halfway through the morning, I was writing a bunch of blogs so I could post them when I got here (Chiang Mai) in civilization with internet. And I was interupted by Mark asking if I wanted to go pray for a sick boy down the dirt path (no roads there in the villages). Of course I said sure and ran off to join him. When we got to the boys house he was laying on a mat in major discomfort. He had a resting heart rate of over 140 bpm which is ridiculously high. He had a severe fever and when you lay a damp clth on him, his body temperature was so high that there was no moisture on his skin when you took it off. This boy was sick. So we prayed…and then walked away!
About an hour later Rusty comes waltzing into the church (where we had set up our tents to sleep in) and was singing some praises. The boy is healed! The boy is healed! I of course stood up and was like, “cool, praise God” and asked where the boy was. As I said that he ran by the church and was chasing a volleyball down that same little dirt path I mentioned earlier. A walking miracle.
This is where my day got interesting…was it my prayer that healed the boy? Was it when I left that he was healed? Should I have stayed so I could have seen that healing first hand? Am I jealous or envious that I wasn’t there to see it? Was I being selfish when I said a few prayers and then left to finish my blogs when obviously the boy needed more prayer? There were others there by the way, I didn’t just leave him.
And this was basically my day. Alot of questions. Alot of judgments toward myself, God ,and others around me. I had a hard time concentrating on anything of God.
Later that afternoon we went to another village close by to visit the only Christian family (45 in all). We shared some snacks, balloon animals with the children and sang some songs. Then Ray mentioned that I should speak out what was on my heart for the people. So I did. I wasn’t going to ignore an oppertunity to share, but what to share was the challenge. So I started off sharing about God’s love and importance of that relationship. Then in my heart I was urged to share about communication with God. How to get fed through church, the Word, prayer, and the church body of believers. And I went on.
After dinner we went to yet another village to join in a house church there. After along day of questions, emotions, and processing, I had a burning on my heart to share in church. The weird thing was what to share. The it hit me, I was going to share about questions and how important it is to process through things. Not just believe everything you hear and see. But to press into what the Lord truly has for YOU. Rusty then went on for awhile talking about the body of Christ and the importance of being one and using all of the gifts. To work as one to serve one another. During this, the Lord asked me to share and I said only if you ask me to!
And you guessed it, after Rusty was finished, Rapee randomly asked me if I had anything to share. After a quiet laugh to myself I went on.
So the findings of my day of digging deep and pressing through…
I have to be patient.
Once again I was taught about patience in myself and towards God. I needed to lay low and take time to pursue Him before all things in front of me. I was at a point deep down where there was ministry in the outside but not everything was clear and sorted out deep down within my heart. That was the problem. I was having feelings and thoughts about the days’ opportunities and not on how my relationship with God was doing. I felt blindsided. The enemy was after my heart by dividing mine from God’s through irrational convictions.
So at the end of the day I felt that fire from God within me and learned another lesson when I turn to my own strength. Look up at all times to God and not things around me. I truly can’t serve if I don’t know where God truly wants me to serve. So patience with God needs to come first and then patience with myself…I need to work on the latter!
