Like I mentioned in my last blog entitled Suffering, I had a rough trip to
Nauta. I was sick more than half of the trip and when I was sick I couldn’t do
anything. I could have so easily given up. I could have easily been snappy to
everyone else and shut down. I could have exploded. But I didn’t. Amidst all of
the confusion and despair I was feeling, I can say that I have another “God
Did” story.
The night that I was up all night throwing up and using the
bathroom multiple times, I cried out to the Lord. Usually when I’m sick I pray
for healing and for comfort. This isn’t wrong, but it’s always been because of
me not liking to suffer. Well that night was a lot different for me. I found
myself asking the Lord to be with my through my pain and my discomfort. Sure I
would have liked to have been healed instantly, but I was verbally asking God
to be with me as I went through this. So why is that so different? That night I
have seen how my heart has changed from being 100% self focused to starting to
understand what it means to be selfless. It wasn’t about me being comfortable
at all. God wanted me to trust Him, and I stepped into that full heartedly. I
felt peace amongst the pain. I felt joy amongst the confusion.
I’m going to back up a little bit now to my past. I love
people. I always have. I’ll do anything for a stranger. Why? I have started to
realize that I did it to feel connected. I wanted to fit in. I seeked out to be
sought after. I got value from what others thought of me. I put my trust in
people and that’s where I felt accepted. I’ve often felt lonely growing up and
it makes sense to me now why I am the way I am now. From living on the farm
learning to entertain myself all through adolescence and working hard to have
the things that I do, I was so often alone. When I graduated from high school I
joined a program where I finally found a community that could relate to me and
I trusted to share anything with. That community has since been gone as I’ve
moved on just like everyone else. I have always justified my openness for
others by doing what Christians are supposed to do. Put others first. But
selfishly that was my justification for my own selfishness.
My summer job the past few years has brought value to my
mind. I so easily become prideful and selfish. I was trusted and sought after.
It felt good. I was of value and missed when I wasn’t there. That was my idol.
People!
And so here I am on the World Race trying to escape these
worldly things and seeking my creator as best I can. Full heartedly. I’ve put
my full trust in these 27 other people I can now say are friends rather than
random strangers with the same ambitions in finding who we are. This is what
the body of Christ looks like. Humility, grace, openness, trust, and
acceptance. Isn’t this what a church should look like? It doesn’t matter what
the person next to you is doing. It doesn’t matter how much the person next to
you has or how much less that person works. Shouldn’t you be looking after your
own heart? The Lord wants a relationship with YOU!!
So the next morning after my crazy night, I had a lot of
joy. This joy however didn’t last to long before my attitude became sour and I
was bitter in my heart. It wasn’t anything personal towards anyone but rather
my expectations. Even though there were 27 people running around a barge on
open water, I felt alone for the first time this trip. People asked how I was
doing and left me. People were enjoying themselves on the little adventure
which usually brings me joy, but didn’t as I couldn’t feel that same joy. I
needed someone to sit with me. I needed someone to touch me but no-one did. I
needed someone to pray for me and everyone was gone and I was physically all
alone. The icing on the cake was when everyone was jumping off the top of the
boat into the river and all I could do was watch. I had been trying to get
people to come swimming and such with me all week which was not successful. It
hurt!
When everyone went on the jungle tour the Lord had me on my
face. I asked Him to ease my heart and help me sort through my anger,
frustration, and disappointment I had deep inside. God spoke straight to my
heart. He was revealing all of the hurt I was holding down from all my
loneliness and brokenness from people hurting me. All the neglect and
disappointment from people not investing in me when I was longing for it. He
took me to place where I was all alone. He revealed people I had invested in
and was let down. People that I wished had spent more time with me. The
questions that I wished anyone would have asked me.
He gave me a word found in Jeremiah 17 which says, “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who
depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He
will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it
comes. He will swell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where
no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence
is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots
by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
I was shown how I have relied on man all these years. Even
when I was seeking Him I was holding onto human comforts in belonging. As I
look back at my feelings growing up I see the wall I put up to deal with the
loneliness. Does this mean that the body wasn’t there for me? Absolutely not! I
need to come before my God first. He has given me a body of believers to
encourage and keep me accountable but they are not at all where I get my value.
It’s in Christ alone who gives me strength. This is a layer that I didn’t
realize was there in my life. God DID reveal it to me. God DID show me this
wall I had up. And God IS guide me through breaking through it!
This is far from complete for me. I know that. This is not
something that can be fixed instantly. I need to press into the Lord in all
things. I have to look beyond this world for my value and strength. I’m not
asking for apology from the body of believers that I felt abandoned from. I
don’t want sympathy from others for my loneliness. I need to press into the
Lord in all things. I need to trust the body that He has put around me. I need
to express myself in humility and understand that the flesh is not where my
value comes from. God created me, not people. All these years I’ve held on to
that lie. I’m ready to break that wall down. I’m ready to go through this
process. I’m ready for the Truth sets each and every one of us free!
