You sign up for something like the world race, for any number of reasons…
What I thought…
I keep writing this section and then erasing, because I thought so much. But if I am honest with no guises, I signed up for the race thinking that this could be a new direction in my life. I signed up thinking, yeah, traveling, moving, seeing, that sounds great. And I thought that the more I traveled the more I would want to travel. I believed like poison ivy, the more you scratched it, the more it would itch.
What I got…
It was not what I expected. What I have found is that I want to belong, to stop wandering, to stay in one place, not just longer than 30 days, but years. I long to do life in a community of friends that I see every day. I don’t want to live alone again. I want to belong to some one. I want to be old news. Instead of poison ivy, it has been more like scratching that itch you couldn’t reach, while it itches something fierce, once you scratch it, it gets better. What I’ve gotten is…better.
I was video chatting my sweet Mom the other day on Skype. I was telling her all that I was going through, and spilling my heart. And she made the statement, “Matt you seem so much older, I mean you look older, but listening to you talk, you sound so different, so much…older.” I laughed. But in reality, I feel it too.
As I sat in church the other day, I happened to look down at my hands. On my left hand was this tiny ever so slight discoloration. My mind raced back to when I was a child, sitting on my dad’s lap and asking him, “what are those spots on your hand?” And he replied, “Those come with age Moo(what Dad called me back then). You will have them one day.” It is absolutely un-noticeable to everyone around, but in a strange way, that moment, felt a lot like watching yourself grow up. As the leaves inform that the seasons are changing, my hands informed me that I would indeed grow old. And for once in my life, I was excited about the notion.
He whispers in my ear,
Matt
