So this is where I am…its messy.
I want to change, but how much is me changing me, and how much is God changing me. And its not even that I hate who I am, I am not a self hater, or at least not an admitted self hater. But I admit wanting to get better. Wanting to be more like Jesus, he is the real good in life. Well I suppose he is the life, but that’s just splitting hairs for the purpose of my thoughts. So the point is I desire to improve, to settle into who I am, and be okay with that. Some will read the word settle and jump all over it and say, “NEVER SETTLE, always push to become and discover your true self.”
If you let go and let God, are you lazy?
If you are at peace with what comes your way are you complacent?
Does God need me to go do something in order to achieve his purpose in me?
Am I doing enough?
Am I lazy?
Do I make God too “good” in my mind? Do I make him too easy? When really he isn’t?
I so badly want God to be easy. I want him to be simple, I want to believe that he is fun, and he is intense, and he is wonderful to be around, and when you are around him you are more like yourself than you’ve ever been. I want to believe that I am enough. I want to believe that its okay to be me. I want to believe that I am loved, and accepted. I want to believe that just being around him will result in me being different.
My fear, God is hard. He has a plan for me, and is just waiting for me to “get my act together”, or somehow get more serious about him. Or maybe he is waiting for me to take that big leap, so he can do something. Maybe I tie his hands with my “God is easy” mentality. I fear that legalism might have some truth, more than I, or anyone would like to admit. Everyone would say, “No Matt, all God wants is to love you, and you to love him.” To that I would say, “Great, so why do I fall back into a works mentality so easy?” They would probably say something about the trick of the enemy, or something like that. And I would be left wondering if they were naive. But in my heart I would hope that they are right.
People reading my blogs, while safe in their homes or work places, will think, “you are a missionary, you have given up a lot to be where you are.” I would say, “yes, But…its entirely possible for a person to walk up on stage, to a microphone, and never sing.” Being in the place of opportunity never assures performance. You have to sing. You have to go for it. Even on the mission field you can fail to “sing your song.” You can walk right by the needy in South Africa, just as easy as you do on your way to work. You have to be intentional no matter where you are.
As I write this, I just felt his presence come into the room. My questions stopped. As the tears fall, I know one thing, HE IS SO GOOD. I guess that answer, is all you need sometimes…I trust he will continue the good work.
