I’m not a great writer. I rarely edit my posts, half because I don’t really care and half because I wouldn’t know what to look for anyway. Ask any of my teachers, grammar isn’t my thing. I write like I speak, which isn’t that articulate.
I’m not awesome at drawing. When I was in high school, I was halfway decent, mostly because I just did it all the time. Since I’ve stopped drawing, that skill has vanished.
I don’t play any instruments. I played the clarinet from 5th grade to 8th grade, but I quit. When my friends were signing up for classes for high school none of them signed up for band. In classic middle school fashion, I followed the most confident, Abercrombie wearing, puberty pioneer, and refused to sign up for band.
I don’t take pictures. I mean, yeah, I’m all about Instagram, but most cameras I touch break. Even the nice camera my mom bought me for the Race broke, (sorry mom!). The edit options on iPhoto overwhelm me and I just wind up not posting any of my photos online.
I can’t sing. My mom entertained me for a while through primary school, but when it looked like I was seriously considering pursuing singing as a viable career option, she gently let me know that that wasn’t a great idea. If she didn’t do that, I’d be one of the fools on American Idol offended that I didn’t get a ticket to Hollywood.
I don’t write poetry. I’ve tried. The beautiful way that poets accurately express their feelings toward something or someone is astounding to me. Like, how did you come up with that ish? The range of my vocabulary isn’t super wide. It’s probably because I would study my vocabulary words on the bus to school on Fridays. When I started driving to school, the 5 minute break in between Block F & G was good enough. I do remember the words, fickle, vernacular, and denizen.
I’m not shutting all those artistic avenues out from my life completely. I’m down to start taking guitar lessons, and taking a drawing class or two. At this juncture in my life, I recognize that none of those things are “my thing.”
Imagine my frustration now on the Race when I see so many beautiful things and I’m experiencing so many changes, and not knowing my point of release. I just can’t put a finger on the best way to express myself. The Lord is telling me things left and right. I’m laughing to the point of tears, (not uncommon for me, I know). I feel like every day is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’m constantly taking steps back from situations and capturing them in my mind, and heart. I know these sweet seconds are ticking away, and soon, all I will have is that memory.
Yesterday, I was staring at a street kid hanging on the bars of the window of the church. The way the setting sun hit his face, worked with his tattered clothing, worked with his facial expression that was both inquisitive and despairing, made me wish I had the best camera in the world. I wanted to capture it and post it all over Facebook. I’d for sure get at least 100 likes on Instagram. There I was cameraless, settling for burning the image in my mind, when all I wanted to do was get out how beautiful I recognized that moment as.
The pastor of the church we are at this month, announced that some of the girls on our team practiced a dance with the drama team, and would like to perform it now in front of the congregation. Yes the girls practiced with the team a couple days ago, once. Even though my teammates had hardly memorized the routine, four of them got up on stage and danced their little hearts out. In a moment where I think most people would get embarrassed and freeze, my teammates danced. I was watching them like they were my children performing at their first dance recital. As they were walking off the stage, I felt this intense pride come over me. I told them I was proud of them, but those words didn’t seem good enough. I wanted to call our squad leaders, and maybe even Seth Barnes and tell them how good a job my team just did.
As for now, I will just settle for living in the moment, as frustrating as it is to me. I’ll be grateful for the memories etched in my mind. When I do discover the perfect expression of my feelings and thoughts, I’ll have a plethora of muses (vocab, bam!) to draw from.
How do you express yourself?
