12 days. In 12 days I head to Atlanta for launch…this is absolute craziness!
I love questions…I ask a lot of them…I love to answer them.
Some questions, though are difficult for me to answer because I don’t want to be honest…I don’t want to be vulnerable…I don’t want people to know the truth because a rule I made for myself somewhere along the way is I have to be the strong one.
These past few weeks, I have had multiple people ask me the same question over and over again:
“Are you scared?”
Each and every time, in typical Marybeth-fashion, I plaster that smile on my face and enthusiastically say “Of course not! I’m super excited!Why in the world would I be scared?!” Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re a funny one, MB.
If we are being completely honest here, I’ll let y’all in one a little secret of mine that has stayed nicely tucked away in that “Things We Do Not Share” section of my heart… I am terrified. My anxiety level is attempting to reach a new high.
I am so scared and so anxious that some days it is all I can do to cry out to Daddy and ask “What the hell did I get myself into?!”
I am scared of…the change that will inevitably take place because our God is crazy like that.
I am scared of…changes that will happen at home while I am away.
I am scared of…leaving my family.
I am scared of…not talking to my sister every day.
I am scared of…how God is going to use me.
I am scared of…all the goodbyes I still have left to say and all the tears that come with that.
I am scared of…living in community 24/7 and not having any “me” time.
I am scared of…my introvertedness.
I am scared of…all the scary and horrible things that are going on in the world.
I am so scared that last week, I ended up in the middle of my bedroom floor in a puddle of snot and tears because I don’t want to leave. I’m scared to leave.
Yet, through the fear and scared-ness, I have a peace.
A peace that whispers “Do not be afraid.”
A peace that whispers “You are never alone.”
A peace that reminds me that the rest of my squad feels the same way…that we are all in this together.
A peace that reminds me that even though I am leaving my biological family, I will be surrounded by Family every where I go.
A peace that can only come from the Father.
A peace that consumes every fiber of my being and comforts me in a way no one or nothing on this earth every can.
A peace that reminds me that 11 months of my life is nothing compared to eternity for all those who come to know Daddy.
A peace that is the Holy Spirit.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
~Joshua 1:9
In case you’re wondering, my excitement level is through the freaking roof…the anxiety hasn’t put a damper on that! If you dare to ask about aforementioned excitement level, prepare to be met with the most enthusiatic response you can think of complete with the biggest, goofiest smile that my face can handle.
