On our last night at the orphanage we had an ice-cream and soda party for them. Oh, the joy they had. I do not know how often they get treats, but they sure soaked it all up. Even to the point of taking the empty tubs of ice-cream and licking them dry. It was so much fun to watch them! But, eventually they found out that it was our last night. They asked me, “come back tomorrow?” They would ask us every day, “see you tomorrow?” Normally I could say excitedly, “YES!” But, this time I had to look them in the eyes and say no, “I don’t come back tomorrow.” As soon as they all found out, crying erupted from almost all 65 of them. And then from us.
You can have all the theological questions answered by religion until you come face to face with things that rock your once
solid foundation. We started to make our way out to the gate, but they would not let go. I just kept hugging them and saying I love you. I knelt down to Peap and Reach and communicated that I would always remember them in my heart and that I would pray for them. We got in our vehicles and began to pull away and I’ll never forget Peap and Reach running after me with their arms stretched out trying to reach me. All my God answers went out the window as I saw the looks on their faces. When you aren’t around it, it is easy to say the right answers. But, I didn’t have any answers after pulling away. And at first that was frustratingly scary. But, as we got home and spent the next 24 hours digesting and processing, I became even more aware that God wants us to wrestle with Him. To ask why. To tell Him what’s on your heart, what you are frustrated about. I want my own answers, not just what I’ve been told all along. I need my own answers. My own foundation from His anwers to me.
I asked God why are their orphans, why does a little boy have to be given away, abandoned, in this world he’s supposed to know love, to have his back scratched, to be held by mommy, to show off for mommy, to see his daddy’s eyes of acceptance and love. Why did God allow me to love them and for them to love me, only to eventually say goodbye. What about their hearts. They’ve already been broken once, sliced open to the core. How do we leave them after they’ve been left before? Am I hurting them? Is this worth it? Will they build more walls up because of what we did, and that is such the opposite of my intentions of this trip. But, is it possible to inflict more pain in the name of doing good? God, do you honestly have them? Did I truly do what I was supposed to do? I wrestled and I got answers.
God spoke to me, and showed me His heart. I saw Him, what He looks like as a child is given up or abandoned and He was on
His knees, crying out, saying No. His heart was torn out too. He does not want there to be orphans. I may have known that in my mind , but I needed to know it in my heart. I needed God to truly show me His heart. And He’s okay with that. If you need an answer and not just the textbook answer, ask Him. He wants to hear you, your heart. He wants to tell you the truth so that from that place of truth, life can grow and not anger and bitterness. He told me, do you see the holes in my hands, the scars, those were for them too, I want so desperately to be reconciled to them too. I did that for them. He said He does have these orphans, that He has chosen them and He is after them. He will see them through. Each time these children receive the kind of love our team gave them for a month, their hearts are being watered. He will add. He will INCREASE. I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I showed them God’s love, LOVE. They know, they have tasted, they see what they were meant for, it is real, LOVE is real. They KNOW and they will keep KNOWING because He will not relent on them.
