Worship night at debrief in Nepal on 05-29-13… Where to start… It was great, but really hard. Last month I felt the need to give up finance to grow in other areas. When I first decided to give up the responsibility I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. However, once it started getting closer and closer to actually giving it up I started reverting back to my old ways of thinking. I started worrying about what I would be doing to help out the team. I'm giving up something that I know I'm good at, and you know what.. as crazy as this may sound it's scary for me.
Why am I, in some ways, changing into the person I was at the beginning of this mission trip? I'm letting accounting define me in some ways. However, after thinking and really digging in deep, I came to realize it's because I never took the step to fully give it up. Yes, I have been growing in many different areas, but I still had finance to hold on too when I felt useless.
As I was thinking about all of this in worship I felt the need to share what I'm going through with the squad. However, me getting up to share my struggles with a HUGE group of people is is not something I enjoy doing. I had numerous opportunities but I kept thinking, “No, I'm not doing it.” Finally, I was about to get up to share but worship was over. I thought, “Yes, I'm out of it!” Well, God had different plans..
After worship an amazing daughter of Christ, Hannah Olsen, who works at the AIM office got up to share a short message. She said we should start speaking life into one another, because we as a squad have been speaking death into ourselves and into life of the world race in general. At the end she then said it was time for us to bring out those lies and speak truth. Right as she said that I thought, “Oh gosh… well I guess I really do have to share this.” But, yet again, I kept fighting it.
After listening to what others had to say one of my team members, Jamie, came to say finance does not define who I am. She said that I'm so much more because I have the ability to encourage and speak wisdom. After speaking with Jamie I knew needed to share my struggles, but I didn't know how. People were talking to one another speaking truth into each other and giving encouraging words, I didn't want to interrupt by bring the focus on myself. I thought, “You know what, even though I should probably say what I'm going through, I will wait for the right time.”
After a while, God spoke to me again, through Hannah Olsen. To make it short, she said that even though I'm quite at times I do have a voice that speaks wisdom and that I should believe in myself. So, by that time I thought, “Okay God, I get the picture. I really need to share what I'm going through tonight, but I really don't want to interrupt.” As all of this was going through my head, a team member of mine, Sarah, spoke up. She shared with everyone a prophecy she got during worship. By that time I gave in and thought, “Well thank you God, you made a way for me to be vulnerable when I don't want to… now the jhkjkjhkjhwhole squad is focused to the front again.”
After a few people spoke, I finally got the courage to share what I'm going through. When I was done, Sarah, who had no clue what was going through my head was so excited and said, lets all gather around her to pray for her. Before this I thought I had felt the holy spirit pretty heavy, but it was nothing compared to what I felt. The power of prayer is so powerful, and sometimes, being vulnerable by sharing our struggles with a group of people is not a bad thing. God works in mighty ways. Seeing how everything worked out when I didn't want to speak but did was just a glimpse of what He can do for us and through us. I'm so excited to step into this new chapter of my life. Even though it might be scary, I know I have God to help me every step of the way.
