So officially 8 days left until I launch.
Wait, WHAT?! (cue deep breath immediately followed by silent but total mental breakdown & emotional freeze-up)
I would say that the above about sums up my internal status for the past few days. It keeps re-hitting me that my time left here is rapidly decreasing and IT is coming up closer and closer, looking bigger and bigger. And I try to deny it, because I apparently love living like a fool ostrich (bury my head in the sand and pretend it isn’t real = my solution to everything), but acceptance is the first step to healing/recovery/in my case, SANITY. So here goes: (I just took an actual deep breath)
I am freaking. terrified.
Not in the “I’m-so-nervous-haha-but-so-excited-because-it’s-going-to-be-so-good” that I’ve been presenting all week. While that is still true, I am also just straight up scared, in the bad way, a lot of times these days.
What if I fail? Fail at loving, fail at ministry, fail at being a good teammate, fail at living out of intimate relationship with Jesus, fail at meeting people’s expectations, fail at being a worthwhile investment of my supporters’ generous giving and prayers, fail at overcoming my paralyzing terror of bugs (especially in a timely manner) and am a nuisance to everyone, fail at being physically strong enough, fail at raising my funds, fail at taking care of myself and being responsible?
And I’m also terrified of leaving behind my family and my familiar and my known. I genuinely thought I was more or less ready to do it, but this week it just popped up and punched me in the face. How am I going to be apart from my family? My best friends? OHMY;LADKHG, DO I EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE AN ADULT? I still feel like an overgrown child 90% of the time. And, what if my worst nightmare comes alive and something happens to one or all of my family??
It really isn’t a lie when I say that I have been slowly but rapidly mentally losing it with each passing day over this past week. But I’ve also been trying to “keep it together” because, what can I say, I’m a fool. Of the greatest degree. And because it’s what this world tells us we’re supposed to do: Don’t you dare show your mess or lose your cool or be anything less than neat and orderly. The more merciful ones might say: It’s okay to crumble into pieces, a bit. Just make sure you can clean it up after.
So I try and I try to gather myself into something resembling control and calm and confidence, to cling to some measure of “I’m fine, I’ve got this”. But they’re all lies! I’m the biggest, silliest liar ever, because I’m not fine. I’ve not got this, and let’s be frank, I will never “got this”.
And that’s the point.
The world says “Freeze it up, contain it, compartmentalize it for later, MANAGE IT” but Jesus says “Meltdown, fall apart, into Me, so that I may build and fill you up.”
Let’s be crystal clear here, we don’t melt down just for the sake of melting down, to have some kind of emotional catharsis or to justify our idolatry, because that’s still just as futile and fruitless and it’s sin. But we “melt down”, lose ourselves, unto Jesus, the Rock. So that as we’re emptied of our crazy scary mess, He can then fill us up with Himself – His peace, strength, joy, hope, confidence, faith, love, light, goodness, LIFE.
Meltdown so we can be made new, fashioned into a new creation, one that resembles Jesus a little more.
I have a feeling I will keep learning this lesson, over and over, throughout the World Race. Aaand probably the rest of my earthly life. Whoo-hoo, sanctification!
Ultimately, it comes down to the same question, always. One that I shared in a previous post: Who do you trust? Who is your Rock?
In His merciful faithfulness, He’s leading me and you (!) along the journey to the only answer that endures: Jesus.
———-
Praise the Lord, I was able to meet my 2nd deadline last week!! (: My next deadline is December 1st, and I must have $11,000 in my account by that date. And again, my final goal is $16,255. I will still be raising supporting while on the World Race, but it will be a lot harder and has been a point of concern for me. Which is why I am aiming to raise as much as is possible before leaving for Launch, which is next Friday. If you are at all moved to support me through financial giving, I encourage you to prayerfully do so, and thank you & praise Jesus for your heart. You can give online at any of the “Support Me!” links. Thank you!!
