I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 11:19
I want the heart of flesh that God gives, not my heart of flesh. Because I oscillate between a locked down heart of stone and a too-easily-bruised-and-swollen heart of flesh. Neither have been all that productive for … life. Nor for my growth, in faith and in character.
What it comes down to is that my heart is still divided. For my heart to be one that is soft enough to bend and absorb, while still being firm enough to not crumble or disintegrate, it has to be undivided. Undivided in purpose, pursuit, and foundation. Jesus.
I am so lacking. Been busting around with a stupid heart of stone hurting people around me. And I want to stop, I really and truly do. But I am also clinging to that rock casing around my heart with terror and desperation. Because I am so afraid and so tired of feeling – the pain, the sadness, the despair and hopelessness, the guilt, the failure. For myself and for others.
But hello, how selfish am I being? To self-preserve at the expense of others? What. a. serious. tool. In my mid-twenties and still operating like a petulant teenager. And, none of that is going to fly on the World Race, that would defeat part of the whole purpose of it.
Face, meet palm.
So now, I’m going to take a breath. And cling to the promise of a new day, made possible because of Christ and His Gospel, and make this the prayer I live, breathe, and love:
Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
Psalm 86:11
In Jesus’ Mighty Name, hallelujahAMEN.!
