Sounds like such a trite phrase, but it truly rings oh so true in my life right now. Especially in regards to my spiritual diet and condition. Aka, a big lump of lard.
And as Jesus says, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45)
So-oh, I’m sure you can easily imagine what kind of nasty is spewing out of me. It is not pleasant, I assure you.
In such a state, it is inevitable that serious doubts will plague me, questioning … everything I am doing. But most particularly the World Race – how can I possibly hope to fulfill the heart and the purpose behind this mission if I lose my “saltiness”? And in all of the questioning and the doubting and the self-recriminating, I have been turned so very inward – looking at myself and my inabilities and failures and lack. Well, duh, no wonder I’ve been a lumpy hot mess for so long.!
Let’s be real, I’m still a pitiful hot mess. But in really grappling with the question of whether the World Race is still something I am committed to going to, because I want to but also because I believe God is calling me out on a journey beyond what I’ve ever fathomed or experienced, I came to the conclusion that my answer is yes. Despite my near-paralyzing fears of … everything, and despite my very legitimate anxiety that I’m going to fail out of it somehow, my decision is still yes. And that is huge, because my tendency is always to run away from potential failure or any fear. So I have to believe that this is about something bigger than me and my silly self, and if I am for reals about doing this, then I have got to stop being this lard.
Can I fix myself up out of this yuck? No, I really can’t. But I can help myself get on the way, by changing what I eat.
“He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”
(Deuteronomy 8:3)
I feel the most uncertain about myself and my life and my faith than I ever have in a long while, and while it is crazy disorienting and unsettling, it is also so good. Because deep in the pit of myself, I know that God is seeking to redeem deeper corners of me – heart, mind, body and soul – than I had any idea of needing redemption in. He’s excavating the rot and the gunk and the dirty to fill with more of Him.
This song is my heart’s desperate cry, even when I don’t want it to be. <3
