In my last blog, The Weeks I Will Never Forget, I talked about how the Lord broke me the first few days of training camp. During one of those days we were encouraged to write letters to people we needed to sincerely grieve. It’s been on my heart lately to share one of the letters I wrote during training camp. This was the HARDEST letter to write. Actually, I couldn’t write it during that sessions break out because I started balling my eyes out right after I wrote Dear Dad. This is an extremely vulnerable letter about pain, hurt, love, loss, but also healing.
Dear Dad,
I wanted you to choose me. I wanted to be able to curl up in your lap and feel safe. I wanted you to be there for me, but you weren’t. You picked the alcohol instead. It was difficult for me to see my friends always laughing, joking, playing, and curling up in their father’s lap when we never did. I didn’t understand what was so different between them and us. I would watch them interact and would come home with a new sense of hope that we could be that way, but each time I tried to mimic them it felt forced and hallow. You would still choose the alcohol. I started believing there must be something wrong with me that made you prefer the alcohol instead of a relationship with me.
I tried to be perfect for you! Anything for you to notice and pick me. If I could just be the perfect student you would come to my award ceremonies or performances, if I could just be the perfect athlete you would take and pick me up from practices or come to my games, if I could just be be the perfect southern belle you would tell me you were proud of the women I was becoming. Anything!!
That void I had with you made it very easy for Satan to plant such damaging lies into my head. Lies that told me I was unworthy of being loved. That no matter how hard I tried no man was ever going to love me. I believed that lie so much because I had that void with you. I saw all my friends with boyfriends and yet I never had one. Since I believed that lie Satan was able to plant another lie in my head; that it was because I was fat, ugly and unworthy. Maybe if I were pretty I would be loved. Then came the lie that because nothing I ever did was enough for my dad, I would never be enough for a man either. I soon became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore, and still you didn’t even notice.
Life wasn’t all that bad though. I have a few memories when you did pick me and I cherish those days more than anything. You were there to take my senior prom photos, our daddy daughter date to the Orpheum to see Shen Yun; you were there for the father’s camping weekend, you recorded all the Hallmark movies during Christmas time so we could watch them together. I loved being able to work for you, the lunch or dinner dates to Los Pilares or the Side Car, and my birthdays. It took me a while to figure this out, but I know you truly loved me with all your heart, just in different ways than most fathers.
The day you passed away was the most painful day of my life. I still miss you ever time I wake up. I blamed myself for your death for a good 2 months after, but what plays over and over in my head most are the last words you said to me. I told you I had to leave, but Alex was on his way and I would see you in the morning, you said “Okay sweetheart, I love you.” I’m so beyond grateful that those were the last words I heard come out of your mouth.
I have been numb to all of my emotions since that day. I thought I grieved everything from my past and losing you, but I’m sitting here at training camp balling my eyes out because I never let my emotions into the situation. I put my walls up so I wouldn’t feel any pain and so that no one could see me truly hurting. I didn’t want to talk about anything, I just wanted the agony to go away and I thought if I kept pushing it down deeper and deeper, it would be deep enough to never surface.
As I write this letter, understand that I forgive you but this is my final goodbye. The hurt, the pain, and the loss no longer have hold of me. I’m letting go of the past and the future without you in it. I’m sorry that you won’t see me graduate college, that you will never see me fall in love, or give me away at my wedding and that you will never hold your grandkids. Even though you will not experience those things on Earth with me, I know you and Jesus are watching from Heaven, celebrating together. Just knowing that makes my heart filled with so much joy. Life has been a journey since you left, but I hope you are watching closely, Jesus is slowly molding me into the woman of Christ I’ve always wanted to be. I hope you are proud of me. I love you with all my heart and I will see you again one day.
Love,
Your forever princess pie
