The first morning of training camp I woke with a song in my head: “It’s a beautiful morning.” Later I moved to “It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it get away.” It would be, but it would be so much more. The night before the message was about how to move from abandonment to brokenness to dependence [on God]. I feel like I have been moving back and forth between brokenness and abandonment all year. Sometimes reaching that dependence, but mostly trying to conquer brokenness and abandonment. The brokenness is over my sinfulness and betrayal of God by having loved other things above him. Brokenness for how I followed my own plans for so long and how that never ended well or got me what I wanted – love and fulfillment. The abandonment is selling my possessions and preparing to leave my job, knowing I will miss my sister’s college graduation, letting go of people and things I have dearly treasured in order to follow God. Much easier said than done – as it always is in life.
I have learned so much about myself in the past year and it’s easy to think that I have already uncovered every rock and shinned a light in every dark corner of my life. But I am sure that is not true – which scares me even more. I feel like I have barely made it through this year so far and any more brokenness will break me beyond repair. Yet I know God can repair, mend, heal all things. I just need to believe it.
The second day God continued to move in my heart, soul, and spirit. There was teaching on healing and then we were asked to stand up if we wanted healing for something in our lives, and I did. My friend prayed over me for healing of the depression I have dealt with for the past 9 years [I will write an entire blog on this later]. I felt the embrace of Christ, but I did not feel healed. I was a little disappointed at not getting a better “experience” or “feeling” something else. It just so happened (well it’s really God’s plan and not by chance) that we also talked about different worship preferences that day and one was the “experience” preference. The pitfall of this one was becoming a person who thinks you have to have that soul-moving experience every time you worship. I realized that is what I expected. I needed to move away from thinking that is the only way to know God and meet him. There is more to the Christian life than that… But what?
[Stay with me here] That evening there was teaching on the role of the Holy Spirit in the believer’s life. I realized I was in the process of sanctification, meaning to make holy, to purify or free from sin. The Holy Spirit has been calling me all year to a deeper level of this, which includes consecration (dedication to service and worship), commitment (pledging or engaging oneself), and surrender (to yield to the possession or power of). I have been going through this, but at times I have lost focus or even the desire to pursue God.
“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”
~1Thessalonians 5:23-24
That night, though, I was reaching a deeper level of sanctification than I ever have. It did start a little rocky. Whatever the reason, I had a much harder time concentrating at the evening services, which was really frustrating. When the service began I felt empty, as I have felt before during worship and mentioned earlier. But soon enough God began to give me joy and hope. I kept thinking about being filled with the Holy Spirit and what that looked like. I wasn’t necessarily having that “experience” but I was literally letting the Lord fill me up. By letting the Holy Spirit come into our heart we are replaced and made new. I had this visual in my head and I was really coming to understand what it meant when God gives us the Holy Spirit.
But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
~2 Corinthians 3:16-18
Throughout the week I began to worship God in different ways and with freedom. I started letting go of all that I knew before in order to reach what God has really called me for. But let me tell you, that was only the beginning, a little sip. There sure is a long way to go. Another thing that God reminded me is that he is good when there is nothing good in me. And finally, God showed me that this will be the year that he brings back my hope and joy.
For me, it was the best and hardest week of the year. Many people were ready to go by the end. I was, but I could have stayed too…
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