Tears streaming down my face, I was doing everything possible to be sure that no one heard me crying inside of my tent. I wanted to be alone. I did not want community, I did not want prayer, and I did not want another person to tell me that “this is going to be so much fun for you”. The first three days of training camp seemed to be moving at a snail’s pace. Finally, I asked the Lord to show me why I was there. I wanted Him to give me a reason to stay because if He did not, I was going to back out of the World Race.
I found myself pressing in to the Lord in every moment. I could not hold myself together, and I needed Him to motivate me to continue on. I did not want to do anything if He was not involved. He was the only reason I was staying. In these moments, the Lord kept saying “I just want you, Mary”. Over and over, like a record that I could not stop from replaying, He expressed His desire to be with me.
Not Mary plus her love for people. Not Mary plus her nursing degree. Not even Mary plus her willingness to serve. He wants the real, raw Mary.
You see, for so long I have thought that God had an underlying agenda. I have thought that He wants to make me something like a missionary, nurse, or spiritual leader so that I may actually have value to Him. I had everything backwards.
God’s greatest dream for me is not that I may one day be known by a title that gives me value, but that I may know the value that I have had in Him all along.
I found His love crashing over me, wave after wave, was breaking down the shell that I was using to “protect” myself from what I really desired the most. What I was really crying out for was to be completely seen, known, and loved where I was at. As I began to allow the Lord to destroy the false expectations and replace them with the reality of His hopes and dreams for me, training camp got a little easier with each passing moment. His confidence in me produced confidence in myself!
Don’t get me wrong, being a missionary is awesome, but Jeremiah 29:11 is not a joke. The Lord does have bigplans for us that bring a hope and a future, and it’s a beautiful moment when we realize that God’s dreams don’t stop at titles or positions.
Thank you all for your continued love, prayer, and support! I would love to talk more if you have any questions about training camp or the preparation process in general!
All my love,
Mary
