This has been the oddest month for me. Moldova started with a time of refreshing at debrief and walking in more freedom. Then we arrived at our ministry for the month and this feeling of discontent and disunity crept in. I was no longer communcating like I used to. I got short with the others and lost my grace for them.
Our first week here was rough. With little or no work some days I had to much time to focus on myself. I let myself believe lies of being unworthy of people's time and company. I let myself believe I didn't truly have any friends on the race. What tragic lies to believe!!! Things started to get harder for me. I received some news that sent me into a tailspin like no other. I completely closed my team out and was just a real monster. I was caught up in my pain and hurt and licking the wounds of unworthiness like nobody's business. My team leader Lindsay and the rest of the ladies fought hard for me in ways I didn't even see. I let myself believe I was being cast out when really I was pushing them away so very hard. One night they even bought me some beatiful flowers that I didn't even acknowledge. I was in such a bad place. Bitterness was creeping in and trying to take me over like a weed. Finally I yelled at God and let it out. My team had been telling me to seek out God; have a knock out fight, get real, have an x-rated conversation, let it all go to Him. So I did after two or three days. I went into the spare room and sat in a chair. I told God that I was to scared to say it but that I though I hated Him and what He had allowed to cause me pain. I cursed, I cried, and then I read Hebrews 5. I don't even know why I grabbed my Bible for my "fight" with God. But He knew. He showed me that I wasn't living out my spiritual growth. I had let myself become a baby. He was calling me into a deeper relationship. One with solid food, not milk. It was like getting punched in the face. I didn't want to accept that I was in the wrong. But He knew that and gave me a wonderful team of people to walk with me through the valley. I was able to talk with Mikala on the way to the store shortly after my God time. She brought up this point, that I wans't starting over with a new book, but that I had been given a new chapter to fill. There are many times when we feel like we just aren't living up to what we've been called to. And there are many reasons why. But I know for me that I wasn't filling my new chapter and that Abba was calling me to do that. To fill it with forgiveness and repentance, with love and grace, with stories of His love being poured out onto His people. So I started writing this chapter of my life. I began with Cokes and Red Bulls and an apology. Then with sharing my heart and what God was revealing to me. The days got sweeter and sweeter as this choice to live took hold and grew. I want to always choose life. Some days it's so hard. But when you do choose life it's sweet and filling, just like a cake pop.
I'll share more about what ministry and life has been like here in Moldova soon. For now I just needed to share my heart with you.
