So I haven’t downloaded word yet, so I this is sure to be chock full of grammar and spelling errors. Prepare thineself. I’ve been putting off writing a blog post because I just wasn’t ready to share the Philippines with you. It’s my place and I wanted to be selfish with it. I learned so much there, I grew so much there. I didn’t want you to know about it. So here I was at debrief in Chiangmai, Thailand fully prepared to surrender everything that happened last month.
And then last night happened.
Here in Chiangmai we will be doing bar ministry. That means ministering to the prostitutes in the bars, trying to share the love of the Lord and the freedom that it comes with. I am weary of it. A lot of people on my squad hear bar ministry and get excited. I hear bar ministry and get nauseous. I do not want to do it. Its uncomfortable. I don’t drink. I don’t like the bar scene. Thats a space in my life I left behind when I chose to follow the Lord and I don’t like picking it back up, even for ministry. Do I want to save these girls? Of course. Do I want to go bar hopping to do it? No way. I like Liam Neeson’s apporach better. Unfortunately we aren’t highly trained secret agent types. They ran out of time at training camp.
To get to the point of this, last night we had a worship session, that turned into a sort of confessional. Not in a Catholic way, more in a ‘set me free of my chains and embrace the perfect love of God, free from condemnation or unworthiness’ way. People on my squad got up and shared incredible ways God has freed them from past sins and temptations. It was unreal. The space we were in while this was going on is two stories up overlooking the street. It is in the ministry office of the site we will be working in that helps get these girls out. It was getting pretty heavy, God was dealing with me in a big way, so I went over to the big open windows and looked down into the street to try and process. I was absolutely horrified at what I saw. Three girls in mini skirts the size of a bandaid with enough make up on to shut down MAC came up to a group of foreign men. The girls rubbed their arms and tryed to pull them down the alley. I immediately started to pray, “Oh God please no. I can’t watch this. I am not ready for this.” God showed me grace and the men refused and walked away. I sighed out of relief, and thought the moment was over.
It was not.
Some men across the street had watched this happen, decided they were interested, walked up to the girls and took them down the alley. I waited for what seemed like hours and they never came back. Something broke in me in a big way. Here I am, sitting inside of building thats sole purpose is to stop this from happening, and I’m watching it happen. I was shocked, and I was pissed. I was pissed at God, at myself, at those men, at everyone. How was this happening? Is this real life? I think that it wasn’t real to me, it was something that happened behind closed doors, or on a different plane than me, and then I saw it with my own two eyes. Here I am in this room right now, unwilling to accept the freedom from chains God is basically begging me to take, and these girls don’t know what that is. They don’t know what freedom is like. They think that their worth is found in how much a man is willing to pay to use them in the worst way. Their worth is immeasurable in the eyes of God. I was so disappointed in myself. That is why I’m here! I did not want to leave the Philippines. I did not want to do this ministry. I did not want to see that happen. But God knew what I needed. I had put him in a box. I assumed that it couldn’t be any better than it was in the Philippines, that I couldn’t love or grow anywhere else like I did there. I assumed that I would just kind of ride through this month because I wasn’t interested in the ministry. And then God made me watch it. I am so ready for this ministry now. I’m still not comfortable with bar ministry, but I will do anything in my power to make sure that I never see that happen again. God has empowered me, therefore my power is limitless. I am here in His name to do His work. I know it will be hard, it will be uncomfortable, but He will guide me.
I just wanted to share my heart with ya’ll. This wasn’t what I expected to write when I wrote my first blog, but my plans and expectations usually suck compared to what God has in store. So please be praying for me and my entire squad as we are all together this month in this ministry. Pray for this country, these girls, these men.
Until next time, Mary.
