So life has been crazy weird lately. I’ve taken to sitting back and observing in a bigger way than I typically do, and I have learned a lot.
I’m weird in the fact that I’m shy until I know you or if I’m uncomfortable around you, but once I know you or decide that you aren’t a creep I get comfortable. I relax. I laugh and tell jokes and open up, just a little.
Why in the Sam Hill am I telling you this?
Because I learned something very important about myself in my time of stepping back, of watching, of letting God work. I learned that I am not perfect. That I am so un-perfect that it is almost funny. I know you read that and say Mary, you’re dumb. You’ve been told your whole life you aren’t perfect, it really took you a few days of shutting your mouth to realize it? HA. Don’t be rude.
But really…
I learned that
I
AM
NOT
PERFECT.
Not even a distorted image of perfection. Now had you asked me if I was perfect before I made this ground shaking revelation, I would have told you no, of course not. But I would not have known what exactly that meant. I know I’ve sinned, lied, cheated, placed idols before God, not loved my neighbor, done all sorts of horrible things. I knew I wasn’t perfect, and yet I held myself to that standard.
I expected from myself what I was not capable of, and it had begun to set me back.
My whole life I have basically lived by the philosophy that if I’m not twice as good as the guy next to me, then I am not even halfway good enough. Who does that? Who tells themself that? I always have.
But as a sat back this week, I realized that I am nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. But God is everything. He is everything, and He is waiting for me to realize it.
That sounds so dumb as I type it, because I know it. Its common knowledge. I’m not perfect, God is, common knowledge, blah blah. But I think you hear something so often that it becomes exactly that. Common knowledge. 2=2+4, God is perfect. But what does it mean? God is everything, but I’m absolutely sure that He cannot reach this deadline without me, so let me put my nose all up in this business right now because I know he needs me. God most certainly cannot reach these kids without my help, so let me jump in front of him and say what I’m feeling.
Uh. No. Mary, please sit down.
So I guess I’ve really learned for the first time one of the most important lessons there are to learn in life. So thanks God, for telling me to sit down, shut up, and hang on for the ride.
–Mary
