Well I am back home now. Its good, its strange, its surreal. Seeing my family again has been more than amazing, and I got to meet my niece, Zayda, for the first time. She is beautiful.
The transition has been tough, my heart is in so many places! But I have learned to soak up where I am, because that is what God has gifted me with at the moment. So I am thoroughly enjoying my amazing family. They are my greatest gift. They have supported me, loved me, prayed for me, and been with me every step of the way on this incredible journey. I thank God for this time I have with them!
But my heart is all over the place. So much is going on inside of me, its hard to even begin to explain.
To give you a glimpse, here is a recent journal entry of mine:
It’s 3:00 a.m., another sleepless night. My mind won’t quit. I still can’t believe I am back home. Did this past year really happen? I’m already back to my insanely comfortable bed, my huge closet filled with more clothes than I know what to do with, and the kitchen pantry is filled with choices. I just grabbed a handful of peanut m&ms, they were pretty good, but I only ate them because I could. My mind is taking me to a hundred different places at once; to the children’s hospital ward in Kenya…the image of over a hundred kids piled several to a bed, IV’s every where filling the crowded room, some just skin and bones as though they are staring death in the face, the streets at night walking and talking with the street boys, Melissa’s (Beatrice) tiny little mud hut room of a house, I can still hear her amazing little laugh, I miss her, I want to hold her, I have to go back there. I can still see Jomby (my little Oscar baby from Kenya) seeing me coming from afar and sprinting into my arms. The two little beggar girls I hung out with on one of my last nights in Cambodia, those two were filled with joy even though they were out begging for anything they could get. The hospital where I held a man as we cried over his dead wife, sitting on the ground in the heat of africa laughing and talking with the ladies as we shared the love of Jesus, walking a sweet old Irish lady home carrying her groceries, painting the Gipsy girls finger nails, playing with the beautiful children at the disabled home in Vietnam, laying hands on the sick, declaring God’s truth over the oppressed, preaching God’s grace and love to His people, seeing people come to the realization of God’s realness and love.
So many things my fingers can’t keep up with.
They are all still there. Jomby is still in Kenya, although just a toddler, he’s from a family that can’t afford to go to school, what does his future hold? God created him for greatness, he has a huge purpose, who is going to help him get there?
The street boys are still motherless and fatherless, waiting for the next meal.
As I sit here, I feel a deep passion and pounding in my soul as tears build up and stream down my face. I know home is only temporary (Not by choice, but by call). I have seen too much. I can’t shake the things I have seen, the people I have met, the children I have held. But I don’t want to. I have tasted too much, and I am left hungry and thirsty for more. Above all, I want to chase God, and I will go after Him, and I will follow Him wherever He tells me to go.
I want to love the unloved. I want to befriend the lonely. That is my heart’s cry; that is my desire. I want to hold the orphan child and attempt to show him a glimpse of God’s love. I want to declare God’s victory through grace, hope, love, patience, kindness, and laughter.
I know this past year was just the beginning. Just a glimpse into the life God has in store for me. Now I say before my God…I’M ALL IN.
