There is one week of ministry left till we head to our FINAL Debrief. Where did this year go? I feel like I’ve experienced ten years of life in the last 11 months…It’s crazy.
It’s been sweet being surrounded by other Christian young people from the States and Canada as well as other countries at the YWAM base here (feels a lot like camp!), and we’ve gotten to participate in a bunch of their different ministries – from VBS, to manual labour, to street ministry. I’ve also seen God take this transition-time of finishing one journey and heading into another chapter of my life as an opportunity to stretch me and call me out on different things He sees room for improvement in. Ha. I started filling out my final “Check-In’s” (these annoying but pretty beneficial questions that we’re asked week to week so that our leadership team knows how they can be praying for and supporting us) and realized that I wanted to share a bunch of what I had discovered while I was answering them, to more than just a couple people. One question basically asked how we’d been growing spiritually, and what had changed in us from the ways that God has challenged us this year…
Well, I could say that living in CONSTANT community taught me to be more honest and open and to love intentionally when I didn’t want to, or that losing my grandfather when I was in Thailand forced me to face my bitterness and let my team mates in to my thoughts and feelings that were hard to articulate, or that picking up and leaving EVERY month from people I’ve come to love has taught me to depend on the ultimate consistency, energy and love of the Lord to refill me. Those things are true, and really did teach me a lot about myself…
But what has really hit me is how hard I try to appear strong. To create this image that seems unbreakable. Especially anticipating the next chapter of my life (which is currently a very blank space). The last few months I’ve had so many question marks flying around my head, that I wanted to deny what I felt – the feeling that I don’t have it together. I wanted to fake strength and ease with where I was at because that seemed like it would be the most simple. But through acknowledging my weakness, slowly the Lord uncovered a lot of areas in me that He wanted to work on, and before I knew it, opening up to what I was/am feeling has allowed God to show up to me in ways I never expected Him to (classic). And it was coming into Month 11 here, with the end in sight – a little sick of community-living and ministry, lack of independence, having to wait until after the Race to go after the things I want, and just being away from home – that God said;
“Hey. I still have so much to show you. You know how much you desire these things beyond the Race? That’s not even a fraction of how badly I desire to be with you. You know how you’re so excited to see your family – especially your dad, because you’ve realized how blessed you’ve been to have him as an incredible father after meeting so many who are fatherless? Because he’s your number one cheerleader? I’m cheering even louder for you near that finish line, and there’s still so much I want you to see this month before reaching the end of this Race. And you can make it, because there’s no way you won’t hear me motivating you from the sidelines. You know how you just ‘want to know what’s next’ in your life, and you’re waiting for me to put it in your lap? I’ve lead you this far and equipped you. Now chase hard after what you’re passionate about and I’m going to be running alongside you. If you trip, I’ve got you. If you puke, I’ll hand you water and say ‘you can do this.’ If you see people passing you, and you get discouraged, don’t lose your stride…”
There’s this song by Bethel that has a line that says, “And You crash over me, I’m where you want me to be. I’m going under, I’m in over my head. Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head”. Does someone who is “in over their head” ever truly look like they “have it all together”? Nope. Why “have it all together” on the boat that’s going to sink anyways, when I could walk out on those rocky waves toward Jesus? When I could go after that ‘big idea’ I talked about a few blog posts ago, and let God show His strength through my weakness, His perfection through my imperfections, His majesty through my mistakes? When I could fall, but it would be something beautiful, because I was going after something life-changing? What’s the point in convincing people – including myself – that I’m strong, when breaking down, or admitting I can’t do things on my own, or letting the tears fall could be exactly what someone else needs to see in order to see Jesus?
I’m really excited for what’s next! But I’m also really excited to be exactly where I am right now. Because no matter where I am or where I go, I can choose to be “beautifully in over my head,” and my Heavenly Father will be there with me – wanting me, cheering me on, pushing me forward, and handing me water.
